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What does it mean to be truly happy? Am I being my authentic self?
2 years ago · 2 · self, +4 · Explicit
442
I don’t feel happy inside anymore. I don’t understand it half of the time because I have a stable job and a caring soon to be husband. I have a family who care about me so much and are very understanding and I have 2 friend groups, why do I feel upset so much. I should be grateful for what I have. My life is sometimes like Groundhog Day, just a constant pattern. It’s stupid to mention it but sometimes feels like a simulation. If that makes sense? I dunno.
Just want to feel like ME. I feel a bit lost in my job and who I am. I have the same routine at night, on my laptop/phone flicking through social media. Listening to nostalgic music or something to feel.
I then watch corny and stupid youtube videos to encourage myself that the way I feel is common and give myself hints and tips on how to feel happier. Also I regularly do tarot cards online to try and understand what will happen to me, and why. I need to feel a sense of purpose
I want to be free flowing in my thoughts, feel clear about myself, who I am and what I want to be. I was off the past 2 days in work , due to illness and my boss asked me if I was okay and if there was anything personal going on. I couldn’t answer, just felt numb, I don’t know how to answer that or where to start.
Then they badger on in work about health and mental wellbeing, Well maybe if there was more staff to support the ones left then we wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe if I wasn’t bullied in work and felt like an outsider for my personality then there wouldn’t be sickness and I wouldn’t second guess myself. It’s a domino effect, I have been conditioned to believe that I am just a number and getting on with things. Yes that’s partially true, but why cant I be my own person too. Why am I just a fucking number in work, why cant I be me.? Why am I judged for every action I make, don’t do this don’t do that. Don’t fuck up, but don’t second guess yourself . Don’t ask for advice unless the staff have time to do so, oh and by the way also train up staff while your at it. Run the team, have the responsibility, but not that you are good at it. Just because there simply isn’t anyone else to do it.
I didn’t imagine myself to be living this way. Honestly has crossed my mind a few times to run away to Australia and start a new life. I don’t understand why I can’t just be me, without the implications and judgement of others. I love the piano and love to sing, but everytime I do I embarrass myself and worry incase the neighbours hear because that’s the way I was brought up. In a terraced house with obnoxious neighbour’s who banged the wall anytime I made a noise.
I wanted to feel free and just felt trapped. Doing what I think is the right thing. I just want to be me.
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ReplyThere is a lot of thinking and judging going on in your head. You seem to be waiting for your mind to settle down and make sense of things.
Thoughts, all of them, come and go including the ones that are bothering you right now. You are not your thoughts. Their arrival does not make them your creations or automatically meaningful. Some leave almost as fast as they arrive and without much notice. Its as if these were presented in a language you do not understand and they got absolutely no reaction from you. Then there are those like the ones you just shared that got attention, the added story, and the emotional response and, now, that won't leave you alone. All thoughts, helpful and harmful, require the energy that you provide to persist and return often.
You are not your thoughts. You are not the mind that has these thoughts. You are the awareness that has this wonderful and powerful thinking instrument (this concept generator) that needs to be better understood and managed. And until you do, its in charge and it can drive you a 'little' nuts.
You are the 'gatekeeper' who decides which thoughts are worthy of further consideration and initiating your actions. Becoming a more effective 'gatekeeper' is not difficult but it does require some determination and time. If you are interested, I can get you started and will stay with you for a while.
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