I'm so confusing

I've done all of nothing today, and I guess that's fine. It's not the worst thing in the world to give myself a break once in a while. I'm always doing something, I guess. The problem is I don't think it was a healthy break. I spent most of the day watching tv, eating junk, and fostering negative thoughts. I tried not to focus on them, hence the distraction with tv. It's just hard sometimes. Sometimes I like the goals I'm working towards, other times I feel like this isn't the right direction for me. Like I won't like it in the end or like I'm not good enough and will never get to the point I want to be at. I also feel so annoying. I know most people don't hate me, but it doesn't feel like anyone really loves me either. Sure, people like me, but is there anyone who wants to be around me out of their own desire? It doesn't seem like it. And I can't even be fully upset about it. I know I can have a somewhat selfish perspective. Even when I want to be with people I often want to be the one doing all the talking. I would get annoyed with myself even, honestly. I do my best to try not to take everything for myself. To suppress some of my thoughts or expressions and make myself genuinely listen to and hear what the other person is saying, and to be there for them. But sometimes it feels like I can't be my complete self when I do that. Where is the line between being selfish and seeking a confidante? Then recently I had some people really and truly listen to me, give me suggestions, but I had some sort of problem with every suggestion. It was like I was shooting down everything they tried to say to help. I wasn't meaning to shoot them down. It's just that I've thought of a lot of these things before too, and nothing seems to work, nothing seems to get better. I often feel so defeated. And I'm pretty sure a lot of it is on me. I'm selfish. I'm lazy. I don't seek God when I know I should. I wallow in my discomfort on days like today when I feel sad and like doing nothing, so I don't. I just don't like who I am. I'm so annoying and I don't want to be like this anymore. But it's like I'm too lazy to make real changes on my own. Like I want someone to be there along the journey with me to hold me accountable, to just simply yell at me or something when I'm not treating myself kindly and not doing the right thing. But I also don't know that I'd even respond to that well. Plus it's nobody's job but my own to improve myself. And there are even people in my life that might be that for me, but I seem to retract from them. I don't know what it is I want. I don't know what my problem is. I'm so confusing