Friends Moved On, Kept, and Lost

When I was in second grade, I was close with three boys from my class. We would play this detailed game of pretend and joke and for about a year, we were best buddies. Second grade was when a lot of the other girls got mean and the other boys started trying to be "cool." It really affected me and how I grew up with that class of school kids.

The first boy, Michael, was kind and pretty obviously had a crush on me. Obviously enough that the other two boys playfully teased him about it. He once gave me a flower, and while I didn't like him back, I did love his company. He was creative and inclusive and kind of popular with the other boys because of it.

Then there was Deryn, who was tall, a little awkward, and smart as all get out. His language was math and horrible, horrible puns. We were not challenged by our schoolwork back then and worked faster than our classmates. Our teacher would pair us for things and we'd teach each other other stuff when the curriculum wasn't hard. While everyone else played addition war, we had house rules for multiplication war because nobody else knew how to play. Deryn actually taught me how to multiply when my teacher sent us to study with the fourth graders but neglected to teach me how to do the math. And I seemed to teach Deryn other stuff in return, helping him to develop his English since it wasn't the primary language at home and helping him learn some more social skills. We worked well together.

Finally, there was Jackie. He was the person that was the least like me. He was a troublemaker and a joker, but funny and charismatic and loyal. He and Deryn were fierce friends. Jackie got in trouble more than most of us and sometimes I think our teacher wondered why we were friends. I was a teacher's pet who was buddies with the class clown. But we all liked Jackie and I didn't care. I knew stuff was going on at home and we were just happy to be friends with him.

It's been years. I'm in high school. I've grown up. I joined an advanced program to be challenged by school. I came out as queer, and I'm in the closet about being trans too. My friendships have changed. My life has changed.

Michael goes to the other high school in town. I think he's still friends with some of our classmates. I last saw him in sixth grade, but we haven't really talked since fourth.

Deryn and I are still friends. We're coming up on ten years of knowing each other. He joined the advanced program as well and is still incredibly smart. We have a lot of friends and we're doing well. We're a funny duo, the math genius and the English nerd.

I don't know where Jackie is. I was right, he did have stuff going on at home. In fourth grade, he left because his parents were having some trouble with the law. I heavily regret not saying goodbye as well as I should have. Deryn still misses him very badly and we both know it. We've moved on, but we haven't forgotten him at all. I don't know where Jackie is or how he's doing or if he remembers us. I wish I could tell him that we still think of him. Sometimes I just wonder how he's doing and wish that I could say hello again. Part of my mind still says, "someday maybe..."

Whenever I think of that friend group, I think of us four second graders standing on the school field like we often did. Playing superheroes versus super villains and laughing. Then the image shifts and it's just me and Deryn like it is now. Michael chose other friends, Jackie just had to go suddenly. But Deryn and I are still here, the two kids sitting in the back of the classroom playing multiplication war have grown into the two teenagers, sitting on the bus talking about the old days and our futures.

It's complicated, yet still so special to me.

Michael, I still remembered when we were friends. I hope your new friends are just as kind as you were.

Deryn, I still care about you deeply and I'm looking forward to many more years together.

Jackie, I think about you often. I know you're life probably isn't great because of the way you left, but I still care.

Thank you friends.

-M