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Started the year off with my parents divorcing which I was fine with. I hate change, but they seemed like they were going to be happier apart, so it was best. My mom is a lot happier. but my dad is a really bad alcoholic. Which you know the average stories of alcoholic dads. None of our other family members knew but my grandparents decided to come to visit him this weekend. We were all having dinner and he had secretly drank before. Then starts crying and saying my grandparents will take care of me when he's gone. Then I had to tell my grandparents that he had been drinking and he has an alcohol problem and that was really hard. That was me, his daughter telling his parents that love him so much that their son is no longer who they think he is. He was Crying. Like a child. Most people are like check up on your dad that's really sad. they tell me to go be there for him. But after countless times of talking to him about his problem. He won't change for his kid. He had the choice between alcohol and family and he chose alcohol. He will only change for himself but I am still feeling the weight. I can't be his parent. It is not my job. But he is killing himself with the amount he is drinking. How do I cope?
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“they tell me to go be there for him” -do they know how difficult it is to help someone who is emotionally wrecked and have alcohol problem? He needs professional help. He obviously has hard time managing his emotion and thoughts. He cannot get better by himself. My guess is even if you suggest him to get professional help, he wont. People who are super wrecked dont really like feeling bad about themselves and you pointing out “hey, you are not doing well…you need professional help” will likely to remind them of how terrible they are. So its very complicated and difficult.
How do you cope? Well all I can suggest is to accept that he is in pain. So much pain that he feels like nothing can help him. Thats why he blocks his mind with alcohol.- that accomplishes understanding why this is happening and accepting his situation for now in your brain. It is important to understand him because you do not want to make him feel judged or get reminded that he is problematic.
Next, I personally would have multiple small chat with him. No judgmental chat. I would ask few questions spaced out so it is slowly talked about for weeks/months. He is very tired right now, has barely minimum energy to get through the day.
Example scenario:
you: “Dad, I can see that you are in pain. I know its hard to believe but I think its not your fault.”
Dad: “Yes it is my fault. Its all my fault. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt change. Im awful.”
You: “But, you didnt mean it. I know theres something mom just couldnt understand what you were going through.”
Dad: “no, there was no misunderstanding. Shes right. why does it matter anyway? Everything is ruined.”
You: “Dad, Im still here and I believe in you. I know there were somethings that are hard to handle. Could you tell me what was most difficult for you? I want to understand you. I want to know what mattered to you.”
Etc.
Its gonna be a long road because only way for him to feel better is by making him feel understood and valued. He likely hate himself to extreme right now- feel like everything about him is awful. Therefore, slowly, you gotta let him know he is not awful, that its not his fault, and that way he feels is valid. And it is important to slowly find out what he is most regretful about. Why he feels like he had no choice. Get deep figuring out whats going on in his head. Remind him now and then that he didnt know. There was no one he couldve trusted so it was hard to get help. Something like that. I know this isnt much help but its some insight.
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