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I was a complete clown who would do anything to make people laugh. I lived 18 years of my life in extreme irony, that I'd pull my pants just to see others happy. Some of my "friends" keep the video of me doing that because they probably think it's okay. In my 19, post-high school, something terrible, traumatic, and horror happened to me and that particular misfortune forced me to finally become a sane human being with privacy, boundary, principles, and healthy behavior to myself and others — but that's my view, not others. Some people still expect me to be who I was, and I've dwelled on that fact for 2 years now and the only answer I have is the fact that I can't change people. Now, every time people tease me, 2 opposite forces in my head would fight and drain my energy. The first force is trying to say "It's okay! nothing to worry about, it's just a joke", the other says "this is what they want me to be, a part of joke and comedy". And I feel the stress not only in my mind but also in my body, I would feel sick, angry, disgusted, guilt, regretful, all suffering at once. My old clown persona has lost me so many things that now I'd cut all my fingers to have them back. If there's anything you think would help me, I'd be very thankful. I still have dreams, I have goals, I'm now a very different person and I'm keeping my responsibilities. I'm tired of feeling weak and dead when something reminds me of my past.
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i would say , don't feel regretful of your past because without it you wouldn't be having this reflection and the appreciation and self-respect you have for yourself now.being the same wouldn't lead you to anywhere in life , and in fact seing LIFE as a road where you fail , you learn and then you work on yourself is one of the reasons of life . regarding what you can do is to make a new group of friends where you can start fresh and that they would know and appreciat you for who you are now , because as you said, even if you change everything in yourseld some people will still see you as the version you offered them of yourself , maybe because this version thats pleased the most so you can't change what they say about you
ReplyHey, worst case scenario, you can move away and reinvent yourself in another town where nobody knows you. That’s what saved me. I wasn’t the class clown but I was definitely the class joke. Insecure little nerd who provided all the laughs because of how weird I was. After high school I went to a college 1000 miles away and that’s where I got to choose a new personality. You can do this too, it sounds like you just need to get away from the reminders of the old you. Unfortunately people will always cling to old expectations. So if they don’t recognise the new mature you, then try to put some distance between you. You have a new life ahead of you :)
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