I love you

I'm not a christian but was raised as one so I still celebrate christmas until now. back then when my dad left us and my mom literally didn't have any money, we couldn't do anything on christmas so we just sat around and talked about our dreams and what we'd do when money isn't the problem anymore. years later, when I was in 5th grade, my mom got a job and her mental health has gotten better since then.

last year was my favorite christmas ever. I loved all the gifts my mom and my sister got for me but I think my favorite part was that I got to spend time with them. we ordered sushi, and sang christmas carols, oh and I came out as a lesbian prolly like 3 months before christmas, girl in red also released a christmas song last year "two queens in a king sized bed" and now it's my comfort song. I for the very first time felt really loved and I remember the smell, cinnamon smell, and it was warm and beautiful and- I would never forget that very exact moment that we had.

but I'm leaving for college next year. I'll be moving to another city and leave my mom alone, cause my sister, she already left for college this year. I love my mom. I always have. I can't imagine waking up without her kisses and her warm hugs, and the way she would always sing for me every morning even tho she can't sing. and how she is always ALWAYS proud of me no matter how big or small I achieve. she used to do bad things to me, they caused me pain, but she's changed a lot. and I wanna understand her, give her a chance to fix what is broken, learn how to trust her again ig. you know I don't wanna be like my dad, I don't wanna leave her the second she does something wrong and blame her for everything that I didn't do.

it's already november, and in 6-7 months I'm not gonna be in here. prolly not gonna be in here for 4 to 5 years, I don't know, I mean have dreams and goals, not being here or living in this kind of environment is one of those dreams. I just know that this is gonna be our last christmas together in a very long time. I can't wait to start my own life but also at the same time I don't wanna lose those hugs when I'm scared of the dark, or those mom jokes that I am so tired of.

I know my mom is not gonna read this cause I'm not gonna show her this either, but- I know you think, that to me, leaving you is the one thing that I have always wanted. and you prolly think I hate you, and would do anything just to not see your face. I mean you're not entirely wrong, I did thought about that, and I hated you more than I hated myself and you know I used to hate myself like hell. but I guess I've learned a lot from what you and dad have never done for me. being an adult is not easy, and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by saying things that I shouldn't say. I thought life was that simple, but sometimes you just can't control everything huh. I'm sorry for the late night fights, and when I didn't appreciate you enough, and when I blamed you all the time for pretty much everything. I know that you're trying your best right now, especially when we found out that dad had been cheating on you on the day he died, I know you're trying so hard to not let us down, again. I can't always be there for you physically but know that you always have my support till my last day on earth, just like I know I have yours.