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I'm writing randomly about my experience, possibly complaining about what I have to deal with now...
A little back story without going too explicit or deep,
I'm a SA victim. The person who did this was my best friends boyfriend- well ex now.
This happened about 3 years ago now, and I should be over it. And, I can somewhat believe that I am at least a little 'over' it.
I feel a little stupid, I did the whole accepting what happened, making choices that'll protect me in future. But that doesn't take away what happened really.
There's things I can't do now, and as a 21 year old it makes me feel less-adult.
For example:
I feel like I'm more aware of danger, I get vibes off people who don't have my or others best interest. And you're probably thinking, okay? and? why is that an issue? Though I'm glad I am more aware, I can't help but miss the innocence, miss the fearless self I used to be.
Horror movies are a complete no now. Mainly because they always seem to include some form of SA which seeing a scene like that has me distraught for days. Even something simple like the anime Sword Art Online. I miss the innocence of being able to watch that anime- But now all I fear is that awful fairy scene. And I question horror movies, animes, any movie that contains it really. What's the point of having it? What is the actual point of putting something like that in movies and or shows? A good horror movie doesn't need it. A good anime doesn't need it. Is it really showing "awareness" or are they just trying to sexualise something that ruins people forever.
Or walking down from the mountain hike my sister and I had just finished. A man in a car swerved his car over to us which we were on the sidewalk, slowed right down, nearly completely stopped looking at us. And then once we stopped walking and actually started getting scared, he laughed and drove off. What? Why?
Why do people do these things? Naturally, I was fearing for the worst. Ready to defend myself, heck, my sister before myself. Why does everything have to remind me?
And on my birthday, my 21st I wanted to go clubbing for the first time since. I couldn't enjoy one bit. I felt like I was in 'protection mode' any person that went near my sister, my friends or even me I would get super defensive. The alcohol wasn't working, I was sober and aware, almost paranoid. I couldn't have fun. I felt like a security guard ready to pounce on someone at any moment.
Not to mention freaking out on the inside when a bigger stranger, or older man, or really any man comes near me while I'm alone.
My boyfriend having to deal with this as well. I feel like such a burden. Imagine having to search if there's SA in movies every time before we watch. Calling me when I'm alone. Alone, I can never go anywhere alone.
I suppose that will do for the examples. I think if you've read all this by now, you get the point. I'm just complaining about the things I have to deal with and experience now. And it sucks. But honestly, I guess the best thing I can do is just accept that is this my normal now.
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you dont deserve any of this, that boy deserves to be in prison, i hope you get better dont forget that you are loved, and this is not complaining at all, this is probaly something you needed to get out of your chest, it will get better <3
ps sorry for my english
ReplyHey I understand that you must have gone through alot and that it must be really hard on you .... but you have a whole life you just can't live like this forever... I know that you are still traumatized from it and now your mind Is acting in that way just to protect you from any further danger and that is a good thing too ... however I think you should try to do the little things yourself now like Going out alone, I know it'll be difficult for you but it is a fact that not always people will be there with you so you have to be more stronger ... just try to make little improvements and get out of those boundaries and that will only grow you up and help you more in future ...
For example I myself had a childhood trauma and it made me really emotional and I just can't deal with sad things at all plus I am an HSP but I am trying to be more emotionally strong person and its just for myself because I want to grow more as a human so now instead of avoiding sad movies and stuff I kinda try to get myself to watch that .. it is still really difficult for me but I am trying my best ...
So I hope you too can get out of that trauma , just stay strong and believe in yourself 💜
ReplyI know that nothing will take away the pain that you experienced, but I want to say that you're brave. I admire how you accepted that this is your new "normal". I know that it doesn't actually feel normal though. It's hard, what you went through, and you're strong for sharing this story.
I'm sure that remembering what the world used to be like for you before that happened really hurts. It's like knowing what could've been and knowing what was stolen from you. You deserve to let it all out. I want you to know that your feelings are more than valid. You deserved better.
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