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I’ll be 22 in a month and it feels rather depressing to be getting older. I feel like a failure. I feel like a child. There has been no growth in my life. From 20 to 21 and 21 to 22 there has been no improvement, at least mentally. I’m still in the same place mentally that I was a year ago if not worse. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. It’s that time where everyone is already asking me what I’ll be doing to celebrate but to be honest I don’t want to celebrate. What am I celebrating ? A year of misery, anxiety, self deprecation, Low self worth and esteem, suffering ? A year of pain ? What is there to celebrate? I’ve made no changes to my life. I’ve made no difference. I’m still in the same position. Still crying myself to sleep every night wishing I was not born. Why am I celebrating a life that I would do anything to have taken. It’s sad to see my 20s and the supposed best years of my life be taken away from me by depression. 22 years on earth and nothing to show for. No life experiences no friends no boyfriends no exes. Nothing but me and my sad lonely worthless life. How can I celebrate this. When all I want to do is stay in bed all day and cry. All my mates have achieved so much more at 22. They’ve graduated, gotten jobs, met people, made great life experiences that they will cherish and remember forever. The only memories I have of my early 20s is me being depressed, crying and hoping to die. When I celebrate, I celebrate for those around me and not for myself because truly in my heart I have no reason to celebrate or to be happy.
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Im 24. Im in opposite where I want years to go faster. I want to get older.
No one is a failure. I think its more appropriate to say that the person is lost.
“ There has been no growth in my life. From 20 to 21 and 21 to 22 there has been no improvement, at least mentally”-
what does growth mean to you? What does mentally improving mean to you? Im asking because there is no, one fits all answer.
From your post I can gather that you pay more attention to others than to yourself.
I can imagine you thinking: “What are other people doing? Thats not what Im doing. Is that what Im suppose to be doing? Oh no. I dont know where to start. Oh god what if I get left behind. What if Its too late? What will others think if they know what Im upto… Im doing nothing. Yikes… Do they want to be around someone like me? I dont want be around myself… How did I let myself become this? Am I just broken? How come others are doing fine but I am not? Is there something wrong with me? Will I get better? What if I dont? What if Im like this forever?”
But How I want you to think: “Okay. Whats last thing that got me anxious? My friend accomplishing x? What about it is making me worked up? Am I interested in x or is there something else? Whats main objective of x? Is there other things I can do that will achieve similar desired result as x? What about x is special? I wonder if its about my friend instead. Is there something about my friend that catches my attention? Do I feel envy? What does how I feel about her mean? Do I wanna be like her? What about her is important to me? Why do I feel like she has it better than me? What do I want? Why do I want it? Do I really need it? Do I think if I have it or experience it, my life will be better? Or is it it because she seems happy because of it? When was last time I was happy? What makes me happy? When was last time someone cared about me? When was last time someone was happy to interact with me? When did I feel belonged? When was last time I felt at peace? What is difference from then to now?”
Difference of two is, where thought is focused. First is on other people. Second is focused on yourself. In order to feel content, you have to focus on yourself. You need information on whats going on in your mind. When you know, you know what to do therefore feel more content.
I hope this helped even little bit.
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