Pt 2

Dw this is annoynomus and I’m not giving out any personal info. I was just writing to get my thoughts out. I didn’t use any names plus I don’t think anyone is even going to read this.

HAHA i even searched up “what to do if you feel like your friend is replacing you.” And it said to talk it out and be honest.

The next messages are written from different times from October to November

I really want you to read this full message. I wrote a lot but it’s really important to me if you read the whole thing. Please I honestly know it’s a lot to read but I’ve been waiting for over two months to talk to you so I’m begging you. I took a lot of time to write this, many hours, and would really appreciate it if you read every word at your own pace, thanks!

I remember you also saying “i don’t like the convos between me and her.” So when you answers other people I thought it meant you didn’t like talking to me. I know you didn’t do it everytime I talked to you but yea. And I’m fine with it because I understand. I already thought you replaced me with her for the past month. Even when I tried to talk to you about how I was feeling I just had an intuition that you avoided my message for a bit. And can I be honest? It just made me so uncomfortable to see how you didn’t admit to anything you said during the summer and pretended everything was okay. I remember you called her a “b” and “rude” multiple times during summer. Imagine how she’ll feel if she knew that you said that kind of stuff about her? She was CONVINCED that I was the only one who had a problem with her and you didn’t mind dealing with everything. I know you didn’t mean everything you said but you did say a lot of rude stuff about her multiple times and it just feels wrong to pretend you didn’t, idk. Even after, you said something like “she’ll never change so there’s no point” but I’m hella confused. Like you also said “I feel bad when she does stuff to me but there’s no point in caring cuz she’ll never change.” I think you were just telling me you didn’t want to be her friend, when you actually did? But I have no idea why you would say that to me cuz I didn’t say anything so you didn’t have to tell me that. And it just made me so uneasy that you said that with someone you were still being friends with. Maybe it’s just me, but if I had a problem with someone I would avoid them and not pretend to like them. But that was my opinion, you can do what you want and it’s over now. I wanted to talk to you about that part after she went off on me but honestly I just left it because I’m done. I was also tired because this is the second time ALL the blame was pinned on me. I deserved it all and worse until I learn a lesson. I didn’t want that drama to make anything worse because it ruined our lives for months now. And it ruined my birthday too, prob worse than last year. I wanted to tell you how much I was struggling with it but I just kept quiet because I was tired of it and just wanted to move on and have fun with you! Without worrying about anything else. I just felt like you hated talking to me. I was kind of sad too because when all three of us were fighting, I noticed that you never stood up for me and let me get dragged. I deserved it tho, but if it was the other way around I would have stood up for you and confessed. Idc if I ruined my reputation, but I’d still do it to help you. I remember the first time I talked to you about it you said something like “yea I should’ve stood up for you but I was too scared to.” But I understand you didn’t want to deal with it. It just kind of hurt me because I felt like when I needed you the most, you weren’t there. BUT ONCE AGAIN I completely understand because this whole situation was so overwhelming for you and me so I’m fine with getting the blame because I deserved it and worse. Also the reason I’m bringing this up is I feel like you should know how I felt because I didn’t tell you all of this. I only told you some of it. At that time I didn’t really say my feelings because I knew you were tired of it and didnt want to talk so i respected that. At that time, I wouldn’t even have told you that tho. I just talked to you a little bit about why I was upset, that’s it. I just hope you can see from my perspective on why I was struggling. I’m not sure if I told you this, but I couldn’t even eat for a few days after she went off on me because I felt so bad and mad at myself. I felt mad at myself because I should’ve never talked about my feelings. Both the times I tried to talk about my feelings it just got misinterpreted so I’m done with it now. And I kind of regretted talking to you about my feelings then, i should’ve just told her I didn’t want to be friends. The only reason why I talked to you is because I wanted to avoid a fight but I just made it worse so. Lesson learned: if I have a problem don’t talk to it with anyone else. So I was dealing with them myself. I also didn’t tell you how I had a terrible birthday, I just wasn’t happy being yelled at a few days before so on that day I was miserable, even ask my family. I also wanted to hang out with you that day but I was way too sad after everything so I couldn’t. I know you were really sad too so you wouldn’t want to. and we both knew that we were sad but we got over it after a few days. I deserved to have the worst birthday after that so. And I’m happy we have moved on but that part just made me uncomfortable in the moment. I was also so confused because even after, it seemed you didn’t like her yet you were still friends? Maybe you told me u didn’t want to be friends when u did idk why U did that tho bc it’s your choice. It just made me uneasy how you dismissed everything you said in the past. I didn’t even want to ever tell you this part but now I’m just going to go for it and hope you understand. You don’t have to respond to this part of my message if you didn’t want to. It’s just irrelevant stuff from a couple weeks ago that I never got to tell you. I just wanted you to know how I was feeling and thinking.

I also felt like when I tried to talk to you the second time you told her too. I felt scared because I just asked if you were mad at me but I thought you were secretly talking to her about me annoying you even tho I only wrote a few messages. I didn’t want her to hate me more than she already does and I was just wanting a yes or no answer if you were mad at me, I wasn’t trying to stress you out. Also sorry for texting you, if I knew you were busy I wouldn’t have tried to talk to you for another few weeks. I had no idea you were busy. Before you said i shouldn’t hesitate to talk to you if I ever needed to, and I felt stupid for trying to talk to you. I was nervous that whole day because I thought you were going to say “I’m mad at you and I don’t want to be friends.” Sorry you told me i shouldn’t hesitate to talk to you, so I tried. I wasn’t going to send all this to you yet because I feel like it’s too much. All I wanted to know if u were mad at me. I felt like i couldn’t wait for a few weeks to know if you were mad at me. I also had a dream you were mad at me and replaced me a few weeks ago. I find it kind of ironic how you said “don’t hesitate to talk to me” yet when I tried to, you didn’t answer for days which is something you’ve never done so I thought you were mad at me. I knew you were busy for the weekend so I understood that part and after prob had schoolwork. I also had a lot of work to do and had so many projects everyday. But it just made me cry how you didn’t even have one minute to tell me why you were mad at me?? And why you hated me?? Like I was left hanging?? And before you used to spare time to talk to me and now not even a minute. Like it broke me because I texted you when I was in the middle of swimming, dripping wet FREEZING numb and I felt like you hated me. Also sorry this is just me being upset. When you told me you didn’t want to talk I thought you were mad at me and I started shaking so bad I couldn’t hold my phone. I kept shaking multiple times that day because now I felt replaced and you didn’t like me even though we were best friends a couple months ago. Or at least I thought we were. I don’t even feel like explaining what I was going through that week cuz it didn’t matter. Imagine if you asked someone if they were mad at you, and they didn’t answer for days? How would that make you feel? How would it make you feel if that person was your best friend and you thought they were mad at you and you wouldn’t be friends anymore? Like this past month I obviously still considered you my best friend but now I feel like I mean nothing to u anymore. And I thought you were going to say how much you hated me and don’t want to be friends with me. No, do you understand how I’ve waited weeks to talk to you and I was excited to talk to you just to feel like this? Wth?? And now I’ve thought we aren’t really friends and now I don’t even feel like talking anymore. As the days went on For me waiting for you, I had less and less motivation to talk to you and even just simply accepted the fact that we aren’t friends anymore. Yes, it killed me to type that. In some ways I’m glad that I had like 5 assignments due everyday and a million forms to fill and an interview to keep my mind off this. I was also kind of glad because recently, I found it easier to talk to people. I was able to talk to a whole group of kids I didn’t know at swimming plus a couple more people I didn’t know in my class and I felt so relieved that all my social skills didn’t go down the drain. And I haven’t been able to do that since before Covid. Usually I just talk to people I already knew before and I wasn’t comfortable talking to new people or classmates. I kind of felt like I got my personality back but I knew something was still missing, and it was the fact that you were gone for a few months. Pls I considered watching the Barbie movies on friendship because we compared ourselves to that a few times. I could try a million ways to distract myself but it will never change how I still felt sad waiting for you to say literally anything to me. It didn’t matter how many times I listened to ribs. Also how desperate must I be to get my emotions out if I have to keep updating and writing stuff every week because I couldn’t tell you. Cuz yea I said this, but I feel like you’re literally answering other messages while leaving me on delivered. Do you get what I’m saying and how much it hurts? How I was so excited to talk to you and you avoided me? How I was so excited to tell you how I was feeling because you said “don’t hesitate to talk to me if you ever need to.” Do you know how hard it was for me to delete some of the heart felt and nice things I said about you because now I was upset and everything I wrote before just seemed cheesy now. When I first asked “is there a reason we don’t talk much anymore” I didn’t expect you to leave me on delivered for like a week. It’s just cuz of my dreams so I thought I’d clarify. I understand that you didn’t want to talk about it at the moment but I wasn’t asking to have a whole convo I just wanted to know. From your message I understood that you were busy. But later on I started feeling like you were trying to avoid me and it really hurt when you didn’t have one minute, and left me on delivered for days. You explained why you were busy but through the week you didn’t have a few mins? Cuz I’m confused and it made me feel like I was least of your priority when I was waiting so long for me to talk to you. And yea I’m fine with that now. It didn’t make sense because you didn’t feel like talking to me for a few days. Like if you really didn’t want to talk to me you should’ve said that and I would’ve left you alone for another few weeks. Idk it feels upsetting to say you’re busy for all the hours of the day for days at a time. And the waiting just made me more nervous because I had no idea what to expect. I would’ve understood if you saw something as simple as “yes I’m mad at you and don’t feel like talking right now.” Now I felt I was so low that I wasn’t even worth a minute of time. From what I understood from your message, you were busy on the weekend. And when you said you can talk another time I got the impression on Monday or Tuesday maybe even Wednesday. It’s Tuesday and Idk if I’ll have to wait another week for you to say your mad at me. If we were talking about something else and you didn’t answer cuz u were busy I wouldn’t be hurt by that but this is just making me feel like nothing. And it made me feel worse considering how I felt replaced and now it was confirmed. And I have no clue to what you want to talk about or if it’s going to take a long time. It kind of hurt to because I assumed you answered other messages while avoiding mine. I have no idea but I thought you could be doing that and it made me feel bad because you explained how you were busy you didn’t have a few mins to talk, so idk what I would think if you answered other people while leaving me on delivered for days. I wouldve anyways sent the message a few weeks later. And suddenly it didn’t matter how I was feeling the past few days. And as of rn, I have no idea when you’ll answer. It’s been a few days and I’m just sad because what did I do?? Why do you hate me so much?? I was literally so excited to surprise you on your birthday and write you a card, even though we didn’t talk much anymore but I never thought you’d be mad at me. I was thinking that you might be but I had no idea and was thinking of possible reasons. And my messages were nice before but right now I’m just more upset than I’ve actually been the past few weeks. I had to edit my feelings just to get it all out. Damn, I’m so stupid. This whole time you hated me and I was excited to talk to you and surprise you because at that time I didn’t think u were mad at me. Like I genuinely feel so stupid. This whole time we weren’t talking I thought we were fine. I just felt replaced but I thought we were fine because I didn’t think I did anything rude to you. I didn’t really talk to you as much but it wasn’t on purpose or to be rude. I didn’t think you’d notice. I was taking my time trying to write a thoughtful message and send to you later about how I was feeling and just appreciation for you but now I’m just ranting. Like I actually wrote so much nice things about you and I feel like it’s getting lost with this new rant. I even deleted some of the nice things I said cuz I was hurt rn and I have no idea wether your actually mad at me. So most of the nice things you see later on were prob written in October or early November. I feel like I should delete this but I wanted to let you know I shouldn’t cover it up. I understand that maybe you didn’t expect me to text you recently. So does that mean you were just going to let us drift apart and not talk to each other again? As of right now I’m thinking that maybe you enjoyed me gone and were hoping I’d forget about you so we wouldn’t be friends anymore. Cuz the past few weeks you haven’t said anything either. But I felt hurt because at that time we hadn’t talked in weeks so I wanted to know the truth. I thought you’d want to hear from me but lesson learned, I was wrong. I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything I just asked why we haven’t talked recently cuz it kind of made me sad. I had mixed feelings thinking you were mad at me esp considering some dreams I had. I thought those dreams were just me wondering how you felt, not fr u being mad.

You also said “you’re my only friend and the only person I enjoy talking to.” I thought that wasn’t true before and if it wasn’t, you didn’t have to say that. I said it to you but that doesn’t mean you had to say the same thing to me if it wasn’t true. I meant when I said that but that didn’t mean you had to say the same thing if you didn’t want to. Im kind of confused why you said that first? Did I force you in some way? I was just saying stuff like that to you, I didnt mean for you to indirectly say stuff if it wasn’t true. And if it was true I felt like it was only true for lockdown. Now I thought that the stuff you said about me was only because I said things about you and you felt “forced” to say similar things back. I wish you didn’t say that stuff to me because now I feel sad that it was only temporary. I know you’re a nice person so maybe you said it to be nice but now I’m overthinking.

I was going to tell you I quit but I couldn’t see u that day so idk if you went home early or were hanging out with other people so I didn’t bother. You didn’t say anything about it either so maybe you forgot about it or didn’t want to go. It just made me sad because certain times I would want to talk to you but couldn’t. Eg. When that person posted that sponsorship on their story that we always made fun of lol. Omgg I also had to talk to you about math I really can’t anymore. THERE WERE SOME FUNNY THINGS I HAD TO TELL U TOO HAHA. Also yk those Snapchat memories recap. Like “a year ago today.” I got some of them about us and having fun and I felt a little sad because I wanted to send them to you and it just made me sad with the way I was feeling recently too. And some other stuff. The only time I really texted you was because of our club. I knew you were busy but I still didn’t know if you were busy or just wanted to move on because I thought you still talked and texted other people. I was also kind of sad because the only time you texted me is if I talked about the club. Even though I kind of had to say some things about it I felt like I was forcing you to talk. Remember that person tells me. “I always forced you to talk.” Well I believed it so i just stopped talking mostly. Whenever I talked to you I just tell you stuff on my own and didn’t think I forced you to say anything. That’s another reason why I didn’t try to talk to you for the last few weeks, I just felt like i forced you to talk. Btw, When I used to rant or talk about my feelings I didn’t expect you to agree. I just used to talk to you when things bothered me and you could respond however U wanted to. After she said that I kind of reflected and thought that everytime I talked to you, I was forcing you. I thought even the times we had fun conversations I thought I was forcing u in some way. Or everytime I FaceTimed called you. I know you said that it wasn’t true but when I used to come up to you I would still think it was true.

I understand because I couldn’t stay for lunch either. Most days I was stressed and done with life. Bc recently, i haven’t been doing well in school. So by the end of the day, i would want to leave school ASAP. Sometimes I would see stuff I would want to tell u about like that post and it just made me sad because I couldn’t tell you. Just sometimes I would want to talk to you about something every few days because we didn’t talk that much in school. And yea again, the reason I felt like I couldn’t talk to u much anymore is because I thought u replaced me and didn’t want to talk to me much. At first I thought you were mad at me. Remember when I asked if u were okay? It’s just cuz I thought u seemed different. I cant explain it but u said u were stressed and personal stuff. At first I was kind of worried because you seemed different so I didn’t know if it was something serious or not. When you said it was personal I thought to not really talk to you or bother you as much unless you needed to talk to me for a few days because I didn’t want to make you more stressed LOL. But I thought you still hung out with other people. and I still talked to you after that I think but then I kind of stopped. But then after u just thought u didn’t want to talk to me in general. I even sometimes thought you hated talking to me like i explained before.

I just felt sad that you didn’t think about how I would feel coming to you most days and you saying you were hanging out with someone else. And also everytime I came up to you, it wasn’t me going to ask if you were staying for lunch. I just wanted to talk for a few mins but you would be with other people. And as soon as u saw me u would say you were hanging out with someone else. So I felt like in general you picked everyone else over me. You said I could talk to you a few mins before you go hang out with someone else but it just made me feel like a backup friend even more because you would only talk to me on the side. I know we talked in September. But after that, we barely talked at all and I didn’t feel like trying because I was sad. You didn’t really say anything either so I thought maybe you didn’t want to talk to me. I would just say “oh ok” and then leave because I thought u were hinting at me to leave. I wasn’t going to ask if you were staying bc I already knew the answer. I just wanted to talk. And sometimes I saw that u were on your phone waiting for someone so I thought it would be a good time for me to come up and just say hi but it wasn’t really ever a good time. U did clarify that you didn’t mean for me to leave and said you wanted to talk for a few mins. I just didn’t want to get in the way of anything so I left. Plus it made me feel a little “cast-aside.” Because the only time you wanted to talk to me is for the club, or for a few mins before hanging out with someone else. I realized near the end of September that you were never waiting for me or expecting to see me after school. And sometimes when I saw you waiting I didn’t try and talk to you because I always thought you weren’t waiting for me or wanted to see me. Like it just hurt because I realized you didn’t really wait to see me, you were always waiting for someone else. (I feel like this isn’t true but this is what I felt. I know it’s not fair to assume things because I haven’t talked to you yet, so I’m not assuming I’m just thinking.)

Honestly I really want to talk to you about this now but I don’t think I can. I’ve even thought about leaving our club a couple times. I love that club because I’m doing it with you, I didn’t want to leave you alone but I thought you didn’t really want to talk to me either. I was just overall sad and for a few seconds actually thought about quitting but obviously I would never. I thought that if I even did quit, you would replace me with someone else so it didn’t matter lol. I was kind of scared to come to meetings too because I didn’t have any energy and because I was just confused and just felt replaced overall. One time recently in October I was thinking of cancelling coming to the meeting because I almost went to the hospital. But I attended so you wouldn’t be on your own. I know you could prob do it on your own but there were a lot of slides and stuff so I just came to help you. Edit: ok now I’m feeling sad. Because for those few days I remember being in one of the top 5 worst pain of my life but I still showed up just to see you even though I could’ve easily cancelled. And now I’m worth less than a minute. Now you don’t even want to waste any time talking to me. Idek why I tried.

I cant hold my emotions in but I’m trying to. Sometimes I’ve even cried 1-3 times within the past month because I felt like I had no one to talk to about this. Btw I did tell someone about my feelings. She was the only person I thought of because recently she’s the only person I talk to anymore (name starts with s, I think you know who.) I just wanted to get my mind of this and school. Normally I would’ve talked to u but yk. I just told her how I felt sad that I felt like you prefer other people and I felt replaced. She said she understands how I was feeling and she hopes that you understand and some other stuff. I didn’t know what else to do tbh. This was the day I told you I had to tell you something later on. I wasn’t planning on saying my feelings but that day I didn’t know what else to do. I’m trying to keep this at the back of my mind. I feel like I can’t talk about this because idk if you’ll get mad. Tbh you’re not someone who gets mad at all but I just didn’t want to bring this up and have it get taken the wrong way. You’re a really nice and caring person so I hoped you would understand.

Anyways I’m hoping to buy you a preasant on your birthday because I know you didn’t really have a good birthday last year. And I want you to have a good one this year so I thought I might surprise you. I have no idea what to get u tho lol. Sorry for advance if I write u a basic birthday message. Hopefully my birthday gift will make up for it because I can’t write something if I’m sad. Im so excited to surprise you tho because you deserve it :) idk if I should just show up to your house or text first. Imagine me just standing on your front porch.

I have no idea when I will tell you this. I don’t even know if I want to. I kind of just want to keep quiet about it and just like disappear. Because I genuinely thought we wouldn’t talk for the rest of the year.

Also I’m just trying to explain for my perspective on why I’m sad. I’m not overthinking or anything. I know you prob don’t hate me or anything. I’m just explaining how I’ve been feeling for like a month and more. I know I’ll prob feel like this until I tell you. Because right now you don’t really know how I feel bc I haven’t told you yet. But I’m prob going to be sad up until the part I tell you. At first I thought u were mad about the thing that happened between me u and that other person. Because I realized after that, you mainly stopped talking to Me. At this point I have no idea. It’s fine if you don’t feel like being my friend anymore I understand. I might have done something to make you mad or maybe you just don’t want to in general and it’s fine. I thought you didn’t want to be my friend bc I was scared to know the real answer. But after how I felt the past month it’s just what I thought. It doesn’t mean it’s all true because you didn’t specifically say anything. I just don’t want to force u to talk. Sorry if some of it seems too emotional. I tried for it to not be. I just had some stuff I needed to get out of my head. Sometimes I would be more sad than other times. By the time u read this, idek if I’ll be as sad as I am now. either way I just wanted to tell u bc I have no idea what to think. My brain is a mess rn and I can’t rlly communicate.

Sorry for waiting a while to tell you about this. Plus I talked a bit about your birthday so I was hoping to send this to you sometime after your birthday so it wouldn’t ruin the surprise. I wasn’t even planning to tell you that I had to talk to you before. It’s just that day I was even more sad so I felt like I kind of had to say something small. That day I just noticed that the past month we hadn’t really talked and everytime I came up to you, you were hanging out with someone else so the truth hit me. So the past few weeks I thought I was just replaced but that day was when I was pretty sure. It just made me sad because I always loved talking to you and now I was scared to even say hi to you in the halls. It kind of broke me when we passed each other in the halls and didn’t say anything and seemed like we didn’t know each other. I was just taking laps around the school to clear my mind before I went home and I was kind of heart broken because we used to be best friends?? Literally a couple months ago. And even now I still considered you my best friend. Idk what’s happening I’m so confused. I’m still skeptical talking to you because before you made it seem like I could talk to you whenever I needed to saying I shouldn’t hesitate. But do you see why I was hesitating now? I felt nervous talking to you because I had no idea how you felt. Idek, maybe you’re going through something else. Like before you said you had personal problems. But I just wrote this HUGE essay and now I’m considering wether I even want to send it atp and I’m not sure if I’m comfortable sharing all these emotions. You know for the most part most of this is unedited. That’s why it’s a mess. I’m constantly adding new stuff. I wanted to leave my raw emotions here because I’ve been waiting so many WEEKS to talk to you. And I don’t want to tone it down. I don’t think I was rude tho? Lmk if you think I was rude and I’m sorry but I wasn’t trying to be. If you have something to say about me you can say it too. That’s why I’m writing this. I wanted to know from your perspective as well. This was all just my emotions and me explaining why I’m upset and why I got more upset recently. I wasn’t trying to say anything rude and I actually wrote a lot of nice stuff too and some of the nice stuff I deleted. Sorry, after I recently talked to you asking if you’re mad at me I felt all these emotions. Before, my message was quite a bit shorter where I just explained how I felt replaced and just me thanking you for being so nice. I’m nervous you’ll leave me on delivered and not answer. Honestly sometimes I saw you and didn’t even say anything. I felt guilty but I just thought you’d be hanging out with someone else so I didn’t bother and walked home. Like sometimes you’d just be standing and I wanted to come up to say hi but I really didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me or had other plans. And in general I feel little like you just got bored of me and it’s fine and I understand. It just made me sad and confused.

I’m sorry I didn’t fully tell the truth to you. You asked me what I wanted to talk to you about and I said it has to do with me. That part isn’t a lie because I had to talk about MY feelings. I just didn’t want to tell you what it’s about, so you wouldn’t overthink. I knew you would anyways read this and know the truth. Once again, I’m sorry for that but I did it so you don’t worry in the meantime. I just needed some time to put my feelings into words. I thought it was wrong of me to tell you what I was sad about and then make u wait a month until I fully explain myself. I just didn’t want you to think it was anything bad. It isn’t anything bad or important it’s just how I’ve been feeling. And I’m just holding in my emotions for now because I still need to think and I can’t really do that because school is stressful right now. I remember you said I shouldn’t hesitate if I wanted to talk to you but I had no idea if you’d understand how I was feeling. And in some ways I did hesitate talking to you recently. Even when I texted you about our club I was hesitating wether it’s something worth asking or just to let it go. I needed some time to make sure I explain everything and try not to leave some stuff out. I didn’t want you to waste time worrying about this. I rather tell you about it later.

You would also always say your friend has to talk to you or smth. I understand that part but it made me feel like I couldn’t talk to you anymore bc it happened most days i came up to you. That prob doesn’t mean you were hanging out with different people everyday but I still thought that because everytime I tried to talk to you, u had plans. I felt like you preferred other people so there was no point in trying anymore so I just gave up and tried to accept it even tho I was sad. And this happened pretty much every day. There were only a few times where I said hi to you, but other than that idk I felt like I couldn’t talk to you anymore. I missed talking to you or FaceTiming you. I know it’s been a month but I just miss talking to you cuz the only time we talk is for our club. And even then we talk for like once every couple of weeks. By the time you read this it’ll be like two months. But it feels like I haven’t really talked to you for like half a year. Like I just genuinely miss you and it hurts because I don’t think you realized me gone. I just stopped trying in general and I’m not even sure if you noticed. Also please don’t tell this to anyone. I’m trusting you won’t but I’m just saying it.

I know you said a lot of things about me but I thought you said those things to multiple people now. I remember one time you said “you’re the best friend I ever have you’re like a sister to me.” And like I mentioned before, I felt like that was only true for quarintine. Now, I just felt like a backup friend. I feel bad for feeling like a backup friend, but I explained what I meant. Someone who you talk to when you are waiting for someone else, and someone to do the club with. And I just felt like it because you only talked to me when we had to for our club. And you said you wanted to at school one time but I just thought you only wanted to talk to me for a few mins and then went with other people. I know that this may or may not be true. But from what I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks I really felt like a backup friend. I thought that maybe you were hanging out with people for a few weeks but now it feels like we barely talk. When I originally started feeling replaced, you also stopped talking to me so I thought it was obvious and at that point. I think the reason for it was maybe I just got a boring person or smth idk. When I started feeling replaced I started thinking that it’s because I’m too boring. And I was thinking that it was my fault for a while and still am. And part of why I became like that was just because I didn’t really have any energy with how I’ve been feeling with this, so I’m sorry.

Also our icon is dropping a music video and I feel sad because we usually FaceTime or text about it but I have no idea for now. This is another thing I wanted to talk to you about but couldn’t. I saw that rumour. I wouldve just texted you about it but not anymore. You would have eventually found out soon anyway. Tbh when the 2 music videos come out I prob wont even watch it for a few weeks because I’m not in the mood and it didn’t feel happy watching it without you so I prob wont watch it for like a month. You didn’t say anything about it so I just felt like we weren’t rlly talking at all anymore too. Because we’ve been waiting for this moment for like a month now and now I’m kind of sad cuz I don’t even feel like it. I just saw a couple posts. I even listened to our old themesong to bring back memories. Idk if I should call it old but idk haha.

I feel guilty for feeling sad but I still do.

As long as you’re happy, that’s the only thing that matters. It doesn’t matter how I felt the past month. And since it didn’t matter I didn’t want to tell you immediately. And I didn’t want to ruin your mood by talking to you.

Honestly, I’m more confused than anything. In September we used to talk every few days. And then we didn’t talk except once a week for our club. I thought I did something wrong. And at first I thought you were busy but i thought you were always hanging out w ppl after school so I thought maybe not. Idk girl I’m just confused lol. Idk what happened. Like I said before, maybe you just liked hanging out with other people. I just wish I didn’t believe when you said stuff like “talking to you makes me the most happy.” Because it just makes this harder to see the change. I wish I didn’t believe it then, because now I feel like it’s not true anymore. Idk what happened and I’m sorry. I mean we went from manifesting all our classes together and much more, to me not being able to talk to you. Within like a month. And tbh it’s all my fault. I mean at least we got pretty close to having classes together haha. Tbh recently, it feels like we are barely friends and more just like co-partners. Idk if you felt like that maybe or maybe not. Idk if you noticed us not really talking anymore. Also you haven’t talked to me within the past couple of months so I thought that it also proved that you didn’t really like me anymore. I know this isn’t 100% true but it’s just a guess. Girl this sounds stupid and funny but I thought you forgot I existed completely until we had our meetings lol.

I just felt bad thinking about how I might lose you as a friend next year because I already felt like it for the past few weeks. One time my family had some family friends over. And their daughter is in university so they were talking about it. And my family friend was telling me how she was roommates w her previous highschool friend and I just thought about how me and you might stop talking in university. And everytime I attended a university conference and they started talking about it in general I would always remember how I felt sad that we won’t be as close of friends. That’s one of the things that makes me the most sad in university. And university students always talk about how they meet new people but the people I feel like I will meet, if any, will only be mutuals or for groupwork or smth. And for me I stop talking to people once the subject ends anyway. And idk what would’ve happened if I didn’t tell you this at all. If I kept this to myself I felt like I would’ve gone the whole year without talking to you much and only for certain things. I know there’s a long time to go but I thought that this year would’ve been sm fun w us. I remember last year we also used to joke that once we are adults and have freedom we would have sm fun and go on vacation and all and we had a bunch of plans but i don’t remember it all. Like when we were FaceTiming we would have a whole list of things we would do when we are adults. I remember this specific time we were talking about how we would live a few mins apart and break into each other’s houses plss. And when we joked about planning our whole lives to turning into ghosts. I distinctly remember us talking about how we would end up in the mental hospital together and make our therapist quit sjjdjd. I thought we were being fr but now I think it was all a joke LOL.(Not the breaking into each other’s house and ghost part was serious but the other plans we made haha.) we were too funny tho. you made highschool a lot easier. It’s rlly intimidating because I’m not even looking foreward to anything in the future. I remember telling you a while ago the only reason I was living was because of you and our secret band and being famous and doing fun stuff etc. And highschool is just overwhelming because everyone is pressuring you to decide what you want and idek anymore. And it’s just overwhelming the amount of stuff that is required from us. Like i prob have to start driving school soon and maybe even get a job. Imagine us working at the same place omg we would burn the place down.Plss i remember when I said when I would get my license we would just drive out of here. The past few weeks Im clueless because i have to start applying. I’m not even looking foreward to it myself. Esp the transition from highschool to college. I was scared for it even last year (because as yk our parents stressed us about university even last year) but I knew that having you there for me, and vice versa would be better. I remember me telling you the only reason I like summer was to hang out and FaceTime you haha. I remember us talking about how we will try and make university fun together but I think that was a joke lol. Honestly, last year that was the only thing that calmed me down and not as stressed to grow up. Cuz back then i knew at least I would have you. I still am scared and just clueless. Even though I have to be more open about my mental health now I feel stuff I can’t tell my parents or anyone else idk.

Originally I knew when you hung out with people. But after a few weeks I just started feeling sad because I felt like you completely replaced me. I thought it was near end of September to beginning of October. But I only started feeling sad mid- late October. (Idk how exact I am with the dates I forgot.) I know you said I could talk to you before you go out but it just felt different and plus I wanted to just give you some space for a while. It’s just seeing you kind of ditch me for a few weeks hurt me a little bit. I would understand if it was for a week or two maybe even 3, but after I couldn’t help feeling like this after a month. And I feel like now it’s a regular thing so for a couple months now. And honestly I thought I would be feeling like this for the rest of the year. I know if I told you I wanted to talk to you, you would understand. So I know I could’ve tried to talk to you before so it’s my fault, but like I already explained why I couldn’t really talk anymore.

When you do read this, can you please tell me how you felt. I just want the truth wether or not I’m the backup friend. I already halfway accepted it so I wouldn’t be sad if you tell 100% truth. I know you’ll be honest with me and I really want brutal honesty because I’ve been waiting for like over a month to talk to you. I felt like you didn’t even notice me not talking to you for months, or didn’t care and it made me not even wanting to tell you how I felt at all. But then we would’ve not talked for the rest of the year and thinking of that makes me sad. I genuinely want to leave the club, I feel like I can’t do this anymore.

I cant wait until I tell you how I felt recently because friends are supposed to be honest with each other but I just needed time. The way I made myself feel has been annoying me at the back of my mind for a bit now and I just want to know the truth. Maybe some parts I was overthinking, but I wasn’t overthinking everything. I know I was questioning if you were mad at me but I think that you prob aren’t mad at me otherwise you would’ve told me?

I found it kind of funny because I remember you saying something like “lunch will be so fun this year.” Maybe it wasn’t cuz of Covid or me I just thought it was ironic how things changed. becoming sad after a couple weeks and by then it was near the end of October. This year seemed so stressful in summer but I was happy because we talked how we would make it fun.

Edit: I want to mention I’m not as sad anymore. I know I used the word sad a lot because I’ve been feeling like that for a few weeks. Currently in November, I still have the same thoughts but I’m not as upset. Thinking about drifting from you makes me sad. I don’t think we are going to drift but it feels that way. Anyways in November I’m just upset because I haven’t talked to you about this but in October I was more sad because it seemed all of a sudden we didn’t really talk. And it’s feeling like we are barely friends. I’m more like neutral with my feelings now. Watch me just garbage this whole thing loll. Im scared to send this because idek if you want to talk to me. Like I said before it’s not a big deal it’s just prob a misunderstanding that made me feel like this. I didn’t mean for it to come across that you avoided me on purpose because I wouldn’t think you’d do that for no reason. From your perspective, it prob looks like I stopped talking to you all of a sudden so I understand that. I know you were busy so I decided I was the one who had to talk to you and tell you how I felt. You wouldn’t have known unless I didn’t tell you. I think maybe you just forgot about me cuz I wasn’t really talking to u haha.

Another edit: never mind I’m sad again. I feel like I shouldn’t have texted you because you didn’t want to talk to me.

I might have repeated some stuff because I wrote a lot. Sometimes I wrote stuff when I was more emotional and sometimes when I was neutral. But basically the main part of this was just me talking about how I felt replaced. You are my best friend, as you already know, and you used to say I was your best friend so that’s why I’m sad because I don’t think it’s true anymore. You know me, and you know how I tell you everything. This is a little different because I just needed time. Tbh I cant wait until I tell you. I hope the month goes fast because i can’t wait to get this off my chest.

I just felt if I wasn’t going to tell you this we wouldn’t really talk for the rest of the year and you wouldn’t notice. It’s just hard because once again I have no idea why I’m feeling so replaced and like what happened? I never felt replaced really. I remember there was this one instance that I told you about last year but it wasn’t important or a big deal because it wasn’t even me feeling replaced or anything. This is just so random so I have no clue what happened. You want to know what makes me sad tho? Was the fact that I thought you genuinely didn’t notice me completely stop talking to you. Or if you did notice, that it didn’t matter much because you had already replaced me. I mean maybe you did care tho I just have no idea as of right now so I’m not assuming anything.

We haven’t talked recently but I hope you do well on your final assignments for school. I hope you get 100% you deserve it. Hopefully your mom won’t take away your Christmas gifts for your marks like last year. And if you don’t get preasants dw, i already told you my emergency plan last year to drop them at your house lol.

Just thinking about our memories makes me laugh. I remember telling you sometimes I would just RANDOMLY start laughing because of our jokes. It was that powerful lol. Even when I was crying or sad I would think about our convos and just start laughingg. Pls don’t get me started on those among us games. I literally forgot about that but writing this made me remember. When we FaceTimed for that it was so funny omggg. I fr think those FaceTimes were one of the best memories from last year along with like 100 other things. THE WAY WE WOULD SABATOGE THE GAME TOGETHER. OMG WAIT ORANGEEE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT I JUST THOUGHT OF IT. We literally chased him everywhere. Idk why I’m bringing up this I just start talking about one thing and get carried away for no reason. recently, my memory is so bad. I’m just happy cuz I’m remembering stuff because recently my short term memory is pretty much gone. But I had no idea how many hidden memories I had pls it makes me sad how I prob forgot a lot of memories too.

I was looking foreword to this year because we said it’ll be fun but now I feel like I kind of wasted it by hiding my feelings for months. I wish I was still friends with you like the way from even a couple months ago cuz we never talk anymore and it just makes me sad and replaced etc. like I always know everytime I have friends, or not even friends just mutuals/ classmates, I will not talk to them after the subject ends but I genuinely thought I’d always be your friend haha. And I was dreading this school year but I was only happy because I would’ve got to see you in person. K I’ll shut up now.

I was also sad because soon, I won’t come to school for a couple of months and I kind of wasted it by holding in my feelings.

You’re the most kind and caring person I have ever met in my life and you deserve the world.

Thank you for taking time to read this. It means a lot. I’m always here for you btw just like you’ve been! And I hoped you knew that. And I know I told you this before like last year, but thank you for being the only thing good about quarintine. If I didn’t have you I would’ve lost my mind more than I normally do. Other than school and everything else, I actually had a good year during lockdown only because of you. I know it’s annoying being friends with someone who’s mentally unstable so thank you for being there for these years of highschool. I’m trying to be a better friend for you I promise. Not me getting emotional now… Sometimes I would be more upset/ annoyed and really rude too. I’m not sure if I ever told u about this but it isn’t personal to anyone, I’m a little rude to my parents when I’m under more emotional stress too. When I have built up sadness or anger/ stress eventually, it gets out. Last year to September of this year, I used to react really badly and I think I was able to tone it down more recently. And that’s always why I would sometimes take breaks. It’s just because my emotions are really extreme so I just needed to distance myself for a few days. I think I did that sometimes last year. I don’t remember if I explained it to you but it was sometimes for different reasons too. Like I would also do it so you get a break from me haha. I’m sad because I thought this would be a fun year with you. You even said something like “just us is better than our whole group because we have our own jokes.” But I understand that was before, and now I just want to step back for a month and let my feelings overwhelm me before I do anything. It’s overwhelming because now I think everything you said was a moment and now I was just another friend to u. I know this might not be how u feel, just know this is my emotional side talking rn.

Damn- I’m reading this and seeing how much I changed recently. Ew I want to garbage all my feelings now.

Anyways have a good night beautiful, love you forehead twin, if that’s still a thing. <3

Comments have been disabled by the author