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The trauma, the anxiety, the reality rushes back to me when I'm alone. It makes me realize how much of an imposter I am in front of other people, be it friends or family, how easily I can lock my emotions up until I'm in my bedroom accompanied by silence. I push people away and isolate myself because I'm scared they will betray me and the ones I let in either backstabbed me or was so controlling or toxic to the point that I was emotionally drained and suicidal but I never mentioned any of this to them I let them make me the bad guy in front of other people and I stopped believing in friendship. This never stopped me from loving them though or missing them and I beat myself up everyday for letting them leave me. I'm such a loser. My dream university rejected me and I'm stuck on this endless cycle of emotional agony and numbness. I feel stuck, lost, I wanna hide from the world, it took so much away from me. My innocence, my body, my mental health was all taken for granted. My emotional and physical scars are my reminders of the tragedy that had befallen me. I don't know how long I will be able to hold out. My mind has already turned to dust, my body will give up eventually too.
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get into therapy to discuss your trust issues or why you are getting yourself into these relationships that turn into chaos and hurt.
Reply“ I'm such a loser”- no one in this world is a loser. Im very confident about that.
My guess is you havent been taught how to express your emotions. You are fearful of what others judge you by what you say. You want people to stay but you want them to behave nice and dont hurt you. So you conceal yourself in hope for things to get better but its not- so you are freaking out because hiding yourself doesnt work, being honest is scary- so you arent sure what else to do.
I think biggest point here is that you have hard time understanding people. They confuse you. You often ask “why would you do this to me? What have I done to you?”
Well, good thing is, imo, reading people is easy. If emotion they portray is bad one, ther is always something else they are upset with. Keep asking the people why. That tells more about who they are and what they are going through. It explains why they behave that way.
Reply