Weird Headspace

I'm currently in a weird headspace, and it's been going on for a while. I'm having thoughts of suicide and I'm just having depressive thoughts but at the same time, I'm fine. It's like there's no "weight" behind those thoughts if that makes any sense. But other times when I have these thoughts, I can sometimes just feel the "depression" and that's when I actually scare myself and think that I might end up doing something (like self harm or worse). It's like I always have thoughts of depression and suicide but I only really "feel" them every once in a while like every few weeks or so. But today I'm just thinking about it.