Im in hella denial

(Tldr at the end for a quick summary but If ur giving advice/commenting please read the whole thing)

All my life, until like 2 years ago, I've been able to confidently say I was straight. Until one day I realized that straight girls probably don't daydream and think about other girls the way I do. Omg. Idk how it took me so long to realize this. I've always been exposed to the lgbt community and it's not like I didn't know what it was. I just thought things like "oh other people can be that, but I'm not". I never actually considered that *I* might be "that" too. Omgggg. I'm still in denial rn even while I'm explaining why I'm not straight lmao. I just don't believe it.

Looking back I'm noticing themes. As an elementary/middle schooler I never had crushes. At least I didn't think so at the time. Atm I'm pretty sure I might have just had crushes on girls but I didn't realize it then. I still don't know for sure but I remember one girl in my 4th grade class and I was so obsessed with her. There was another girl in my 2nd grade class that I was also obsessed with. I wrote her a birthday card telling her how cool she was lol. We've just become friends this year. I don't think of her the same way I used to but I still like her as a person. There was also a girl in my kindergarten class (maybe that's too early for crushes but idk so I'm writing it anyway) and we became, and still are, besties.

I felt the same way about all of those girls at one point. I don't feel it anymore but I still don't know that feeling was a crush... feeling..? Ugh. This is too hard. I used to be thankful I was "straight" so I didn't have to deal with all the confusion and backlash but jokes on me I guess. Ha.. Anyway, the main reason I'm writing this is because of another girl that I CURRENTLY have a crush(???) on. O m g. I have a crush. And it's a girl. Holy shit. Like I'm crushing so hard and I still just refuse to believe it even though deep down I know its probably a crush...

So I'm gonna call this girl Jes. Jes was also in my 2nd grade class and we were friends then. I loved playing with her. After that year I didn't see her until 6th grade. She remembered me and we talked sometimes but not very often. 7th grade we didn't have any classes together except for study hall and she always said hi to me but we didn't rlly have conversations. I mentally freaked out every time she said hi lol. 8th grade I was in online school so I didn't see her and now Im a freshman in hs. She's in my biology class which is 1st period and people don't really talk in that class. She sits like 3 chairs in front of me too so I can't really start a convo. I'm also too nervous to do that anyway lol. I reallllyyyyy like herrrrrr 😖 I saw her today in the hall and part of me died because she's just so cute and pretty and lovely and nice and sweet and PRETTYYYY AAAAAA (I could go on) UHHGJjaHg I feel like Im dying please help- she takes up so much space in my head, completely rent free. I realllly want to be friends and talk to her on a daily basis but my social anxiety says no. It makes special appearances around her 💀 AH we occasionally wave at each other if we make eye contact or something but I want moooore. Ughhhhhhhh. I wanna be part of her social circle. Yk what I mean?? She's just so great. I can't-

ANYWAY I still like boys tho. I guess... I mean I do but I've never had a real life crush on one, only on ONE celebrity. Whenever I think of the future I always imagine myself with a boy but irl I've been more drawn to girls. Weird. Maybe because boys my age are scary lol. Part of me craves attention from them.. I get the same feeling when I'm talking about boys as I do when I'm talking about girls so I guess Im bi or something. But then again I could be pan bc I think Jes is having a gender crisis but I still like her. She cut her hair, changed her pronouns and has a preffered name now. The name is unisex.

(I'm still using she/her while writing this because I'm not 100% sure. Also I'm trying to make sense of all of this to myself and I know her best as she/her. I just recently find out abt the pronoun thing. I could have used they/them but I'm not rewriting all of this lol u get the point)

So yeah I like boys and girls apparently. I think I like all the "in-between people" too. I just like people tbh. I'm glad I wrote all of this even if no one else cares lol. This post helped. I'm just going to have no label for now. That's less stressful.

P.S. I just remembered a girl in my PE class one year that hard-core flirted with me (just joking I think... but still only with me 😅) and I low-key liked it

💙 Tldr: I think Im pan. I've had crushes (?) on boys, girls, and gender non conforming ppl. Main idea: I'm confused now because everyone is hot 💙