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27 weeks pregnant
7 months ago · · pregnancy,
I’m starting this as a way to help me understand my own thoughts and feelings and to hopefully work through them better than how I currently am.
Growing up, no one ever really tells you what its like to be an adult. They don’t tell you about how hard it is to get your own place. They don’t tell you about how hard it is staying in a job you hate just to survive. They don’t tell you how hard it is to feel like you are constantly losing something. Whether its friends because you grow apart, family members because of illnesses you will never truly understand. Or even partners or children.
Its hard to explain I words, what its like to feel so completely alone in a world full of people, especially during a pandemic.
I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks before we went into a full lockdown, I was 4 weeks. We had been trying for a year. Not actively tracking but still aware of when my ovulation period was and when was the best time so that I could conceive. A whole year of multiple tests with negative results and destroyed hope thinking I would never have something that I always wanted. It was pretty early to have found out. But the thing is, I was working part time, my partner had just lost his job and so we had stopped trying. We knew we wouldn’t be able to raise a child in a single part time income household while living with his mother. But it happened.
We went to the first scan together. It was a week before lockdown. I was 7 weeks and we had finally just found out that thankfully it wasn’t ectopic. There was worry from the doctors because of symptoms I was having. Severe stomach cramps, spotting way too early, exhaustion, a complication with blood tests and just no energy. This ended up being completely normal apparently. Baby was perfectly fine. Stable heartbeat and great growth.
We spent the week trying to agree on when to tell people. He wanted to tell his mother immediately. His mother who had threatened to physically harm me and my child if I was to ever fall pregnant. I wanted to wait an extra 5 weeks. The 12-week mark that everyone says is the safe period. He got what he wanted. He told his mother, while I sat on our bed about ready to cry or to pack my bags and leave with the thought that she was going to lose her mind and threaten me or kick me out, or anything. I won’t deny, I had horrible thoughts of what she would do running through my head. I was terrified. But its fine, this is what he wanted. She reacted different though.
She was shocked, could barely speak. Didn’t want to speak to us. But not angry. I was conflicted. I was glad that she took it better than I thought, but also terrified that this was just her response while he was home. I became scared to be alone. But that was fine because he had a new job. Night shift. Anywhere between 5 and 7pm until midnight. I was getting home anywhere between 5 and 7 from an 8–10-hour shift at work 4 out of 7 days a week.
I was scared. I was alone. But its okay, he had work.
It’s been a week now and we have a dinner with my family, it seems only right to tell them since he’s told all of his family, right? Dinner at my sister’s house, was supposed to be family only. I can’t blame her for having her friends there though. They live together. Dinner was cooking. I refused alcohol under the statement that I wasn’t feeling too good. They pushed it on me, I still said no and they became indifferent. I guess.
We finally sat down to eat and that’s when we told them. I’m pregnant. Id said. And the response I got was, ‘really?’ like I could lie about it. ‘Are you sure?’ like I wouldn’t have had all the test done to be 100% sure. Yeah, I’m 8 weeks.
‘Ok’ and on with their dinner like I hadn’t just told them big news. Something my family knows I’ve always wanted and dreamed about and that was the response. I was disheartened . But its okay, my family isn’t the type to show emotion.
We are in lockdown and I’ve told work and organised with work to get more hours to save more money to be able to provide for my child. Its okay, my partner was only working 6-hour weeks. This is what I had to do. I didn’t mind. Not really.
3 months of 25-hour weeks later and my partner quit his job. It’s okay, he had a new job lined up. We were going to be okay. He was about to start a job that was offering $800-$900 a week after tax. We could do this.
He’s had an asthma attack. I was worried. What brought this on? Would he be okay? Should we talk to the doctor? Find out how to prevent it from happening again? He can’t go to work tonight.
He’s has a second asthma attack. What the hell do we do. He will be okay, he had to quit his job. I just have to work more hours, its fine.
No one tells you how hard it would be to connect, to love. I couldn’t do it. It was like I wasn’t even pregnant. I felt like something was wrong with me. My partner was sleeping all day and up all night playing his games with his friends. It’s okay, he was happy. I’m constantly forgetting, I’m going to appointments alone, I don’t care that there is a baby inside of me. I feel alone, and scared, and frustrated. Scared to end up like my mother or unfortunately like my sister, unable to care about my child. Frustrated because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel, what everyone expected me to feel. Alone, I just felt so damn alone.
They are all so excited, happy that I’m going to have a baby, they know how long I’ve wanted this. And how happy I must be. I just smile and say yes, I’m really happy, we can’t wait. When in truth, I feel nothing, and I don’t know what my partner feels.
His mother is planning the baby shower, she has invited all of her friends. I don’t want a baby shower. Her friends and family are buying all these things for the baby and everyone is super excited. Everyone but me. i got told that I can’t do anything right because the nappy bag, of all things, wasn’t one to her liking. The baby bottles I was looking at, were not to her standard. The baby could have colic.
I went to my 18-week morphology scan by myself, he wasn’t allowed to come. We were in lockdown. They did all the scans. It was a private clinic. I wasn’t allowed to have my phone out. I wasn’t allowed to take photos or videos. Nothing. They told me the gender, we are going to have a girl. I got home and wanted to tell him. He was mad though, mad that he couldn’t come to the scan, mad that I couldn’t call him during the scan, mad that he couldn’t even hear the heartbeat. it was my fault, I should of tried harder, I know that, I hate myself for not trying harder.
“do you want to know the gender” and I get an I don’t care. Its fine, he was upset and mad.
It’s a girl. I walked away, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt like I was crumbling, like my heart was breaking. I could feel it. And not just mentally, but physically. It was hard to breath, my sight went blurry, my chest was tight, and I felt like I was going to drop. I couldn’t hold myself together, I needed to get some air.
He came out 10 minutes later acting like nothing had happened. He wanted to complain to the company bosses though, he was still mad. I didn’t like it, but it’s okay, he’s passionate, he cares.
I spent the first 3 months of pregnancy constantly asking him if he wanted to have this child and if he was ready, it’s okay. Yes, he is ready. He is happy. He can’t wait. I was still paranoid. My normal emotions were heightened. My jealousy, of his friends, his female friends, of him. My hurt, that I couldn’t go out with him because of the lockdown. My frustration, that he didn’t want to get vaccinated, he was upset that I got vaccinated without ‘much evidence’ to prove that nothing would happen to our child. He got vaccinated.
We are now out of lockdown. Fully vaccinated people are allowed to go out to eat, and to have fun as long as they have their vaccination report to prove they have it. He doesn’t have his report. We can’t go out without it, so we don’t go out. I’m working 35-40-hour weeks at work. Trying to save money. We had to buy baby stuff after all.
I am so tired, all the time. I am sore and don’t want to move most days. But I have to. I have to work.
My work doesn’t offer paid maternity leave. Pregnancy is not common. At least that’s what they told me. What else am I supposed to do but work, work more than what I am.
It’s been so long since we had a meaningful conversation, since we had even a short conversation. I thought maybe it was time. Maybe its time to see where his head is at. To finally get him to talk to me. It’s quiet way too often. I’m quiet way too often. This isn’t me.
We have 4 months left babe. It’s gone so fast. He days he knows. That’s that.
Are you ready to be a parent? Are you ready for this baby to come? Its too late for that. He thinks its too late to ask those questions. How silly of me.
I thought maybe id be honest instead, see if maybe that would bring his attention to me.
I’m scared. I don’t think I’m ready.
This is what you wanted….
Thank you for telling me what I want. Thank you for putting me in my place. Thank you for letting me be honest. Thank you for being like that. For showing how little you care. Or is it me. Am I just ignorant and blind? Surely. That has to be it. You love me, you want a future with me, at least that’s what you tell me. I’m just being stupid. I should stop thinking like that. Its fine. I’m fine.
But I’m really not.
No one ever tells you.
They never tell you that life is this hard. That you will get want you want and apparently can still be unhappy. That its possible to have almost everything in life you ever wanted and still wake up 5 days out of the 7 in a week and feel numb. That you will go to sleep the same amount of days wishing that you won’t wake up.
That you will struggle, and no one will ever notice. Because that’s apparently how it is, no one cares unless it affects them directly. And why should they. It’s a tough world we currently live in.