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I was celebrating my 18th birthday with my family and extended family at my grandma's house very recently and I nearly cried in front of everyone when they were singing 'Happy birthday to me.
The blurred vision from my tears hit me first and then the confusion and then the realisation. The realisation that I did not think I would make it this far and that if I had chosen any differently, in place of the cake in front of me, there would've been flowers. I couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye for the entire song.
I wish I could say that the thoughts of hurting myself and ending my life had been eradicated then and there, but it still lingers. The thought hasn't really subsided or become more potent - it's still there all the same and I think that made the second round of tears sting my eyes. The whole truth is, that I had initially thought 'I made it this far, but how much further can I go?'. I wish it had just been 'I made it this far and I can go further.
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i hope your next birthday you have tears of joy because you overcame so much and nearly didn't make it, but you did.
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