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I'm so sick of it
1 year ago · 1 · weight, +6
I'm so sick of life. Like, everything. Right now this spiral is about my weight. Im so sick of being fat but no matter what I do I can't lose more than 10 pounds. Im so over it!!!!! I dont want to be the fat sibling, i want to be skinny by graduation. I hate hating how I look in pictures. I hate being the fat one in my grade, all of my friends dropping me and losing weight and being skinny and pretty now. No matter what I do I just cant lose it!! I purge, I starve, I workout for hours on end YET IM STILL FAT. Also, my parents are always fighting with me or each other. Literally hours ago we were fighting, my mom threatening to leave, my parents saying everything wrong with their marriage is my fault when its not. I cant express any emotion without being a drama queen. Yet I have to uphold that perfect daughter on the outside stereotype. On the outside Im the early graduate, smart, kind, nearly full paid college girl. Yet I want to just crawl in a hole and die. Im behind on school now, I have the worst grades ever and if I dont get straight a's my scholarships get revoked. Im nearly out of student council cause I cant get out of bed in the mornings to attend the meetings so what do i do? I cut, I punch myself, I want to scream, I want to commit but I won't for like 3 reasons, my cat, I wouldnt know if I was going to heaven, my parents would probably commit as well or post pictures of me that I hate. People I wouldnt know would be like "aww we were such great friends" REALLY YOU BULLIED ME TILL I GOT TO THIS POINT. I just want to scream and cry and i dont even know. I hate this, Im so sick of everything in life. I havent genuinely smiled in so long I forget what it feels like. im so sick of being fat, im so sick of school, im so sick of being stressed, im so sick of my parents fighting, im so sick of having to worry about everyone else, im so sick of having to be the one that makes others smile, im so sick of getting to the point even my cat doesnt want to be near me. i hate this. i just want it all to be over yet i cant commit.
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