Already Expected it, but still hurts like hell nonetheless

For months, or like for the whole year...i've undergo depression and got to travel hell a lot of times. I don't even know if it's hell or something higher or extreme than that. Because of family matters, school problems, conflicts against myself each and every day...I've lost her. the old me. And now here I am recreating another version of me that's almost the complete opposite of her. I've always been a living contradiction... I told myself I want to be alone because I get overwhelmed instantly even just from a little use of social media. If i add that to my family's constant fighting and problems every day, and my dark past in my old school which i can't seem to escape from beacuse my little sister is studing there...ughh fuckk it.

IT WAS ABSOLUTE HELLL> Literally and figuratively....I don't know how many times I've cried. I even wondered myself if there will ever come a day that there be any water coming out of my eyes anymore. I wanted to be alone but at the same time I don't like being alone. I told myself that sooner or later my boy best friend (just brestfriends really) will probably leave me someday. Because I'm hard to deal with and all...because I didn't treat him any good but at the same time...I felt suffocated 'cause I'm really in a tight spot everyday. Beacsue I can't deal with all problems all at once.

I've hesitated a lot about my feelings. I was gone for long but he didn't even leave me any message. He didn't replied even to my last single phrase I sent. And I just saw him online and saw that he also posted about one of my old classmate alsfriend but not so close anymore in his profile status.

It hurts...It hurts so much...I felt hurt...and jealous...NOt because of anything you know like love or all but because I feel like I've lost a friend of mine even if i didn't mean it to. I told myself that I'll be happy because he'll be treated by another person as a friend more greater than I can. A hundred times better actually. I feel sad...but at the same time I couldn't help it. Because I'm still stuck in a situation between my family, personal life, myself and such. I t is my fault I admit it too.. I don't blame him we'll never be able to talk to each other again...but at the same time i told myself that what am I supposed to do?

I'm still healing...still struggling through these everyday problems of mine. I've got too much wounds and scars...and it's not getting healed and all instantly. It's also increasing by the time I guess...I'm so sad..and angry...and regretful...that I wish shouldn't have been born.

Even if i want to treat him better...the consequence of my circumstances towards me wouldn't let me do so. I'm still caught up in everything...What am I suposed to do then? I already expected it... I;m at fault really...and if we won;t really be able to talk to each other anymore...im gonna be really really hurt...but at the same time..

at the same time...there was nothing I could do. I'm too broken right at the moment..im burn out from everything...I wanted to say sorry but couldn't makemyself to do so...we didn't really end our friendship lilterally... It just looks like that because we haven't been talking to each other for so long...

I..I feel so sorry about myself...because I made myself this way...I should've known better...but at the same time I know it's not entirely my fault because I wasn't really raised and taught how things should've been done and what im supposed to do especially sinced Im a woman...

I was too innocent back then for my sake...it almost looks like im ignorant without me actually meaning it...I've just been surviving all alone...without no one to lean to..and before they could even lend their hand...years have passed already and I didn't even know what could the word 'help' possibly means.

It's like its already become part of me not to ask for help. Oh God...Oh JesusChrsit...I really didn't asked to be born and to meant for this to happen...

How am I supposed to know everything? It was already too late before they got there...I never meant for anything of this to happen. I'm not saying this because blame you...but I just want to ask why It hurt so much...so so sos sos so fucking much each and everyday...

i feel like dying everytime...so suffocated... How much more ?im so so sotired...im burnout as fuck but I couldn't do anything because of my circumstance...

Having no emotions would've probabl been better. Being a robot would've been better...If so...it wouldn't hurt this much...

What have I done wrong when I came out of my mother's womb? I don't blame you or anything ...IM just asking why im still alive and breathing...

what is the purpose of my existence? Why do I have to go through this each and every day? I'm a monster to my own self because I hurt myself and drained myself because of a habit I always did which would cause me to be drained, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally exhausetd...a habit I myself know isn't right and embarassing, but became part of me and the only thing I could turn to since I was a child whenever I'm in a tough situation or its just really too much...

If only suicide is not a sin...I would've killed myself a long time ago. I don't deserve anything in this world. I couldn't ever fit in. I have always been different from the begginning...I may be an infj and a leo...

what more? Isn;t everything enough? I also offered to give my life but why am I still goin through this hell>? This extreme pain in each and every month everyday...

I didn't mean to be ignorant or be innocent for too much...no one has taught me the ways of life and how I should act as a girl and so...how the world works and suchh...

BUT WHYYYY>?BUT WHY???WHY DID I HAVE TO BE BORN? It hurts so sos so fucking much... just a lilttle more... I wouldn't be able to stand this any longer...just a little bit more and i know i'll end up killing myself sooner or later...i never meant to be sinful... because of too much innocence...

No one has taught me when I was a child....why must I be this way>?

I wish I could've just died...I wish I could've just died a long time ago or before I was even born...if that's the case...I wouldn't end up hurting others accidentally or go through this extreme pain and hell...

im tired..im just literally fucking dead tired...im burnout as fuck...please...ackk..i-im...really really burnout...

all i wanted was love and appreciation...is that too much to ask for in the world?

Im so fucking dead tired...is this really my destiny>? Is this really how im supposed to end up to be?

Why must it be that way then? w-why...why? Cause it fucking hurts like hell