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Do you think it's weird I started figuring out I'm trans so late on compared to most trans people?
Most of them knew since childhood.
I mean, I do feel dysphoric, and I know that I'm non binary, and how I want to present... It's always been there but I brushed it aside
Because the only trans rep I got were horrible skits about men dressing up as women and doing awful makeup and being gay.... Being the good kid, I barely even allowed myself to like girls and ship gay shit. I still got punished for the latter once. Trust me, it made me so deadly afraid, I wouldn't dare to consider I'm not a girl.
And now I'm so scared that I'm wrong about it, even though I imagined myself transitioning in middle school, I even had a name, I fantasized about returning to school and everyone asking about where Rina is, while I shrug... And I watched so much trans content. I drew a comic where I possessed Charles Lee for the whole plot, when my friend was Peggy, for no reason, just because he fits me so well and I wanted to be him.
I mostly related to androgynous or male characters, I felt gender envy my whole life but couldn't place it. I didn't understand it.
So if I'm so sure... Should I be scared?
Should I be scared that if I transition, and get a bit more masculine in my body, you'll stop liking me? Should I be scared I'll regret this when really I always had this exact vision of me, I always wanted to wear amazing clothes and act a certain way but there was this weird buzzing thought hard to even put in words that said "that won't make sense in a woman's body for you?"
I hurt myself so much, so often, I hear people casually saying slurs even on TV.. Fuck Russia, man.
I want to be free... Out of this country, in my true form. I've been waiting for so long, and if I won't make it in two years as planned.... Well, I think I've got to go.
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I don’t think it’s that late. Some people only start questioning themselves in old age. The ‘I was born this way and always knew’ narrative is popular because cis people understand it better - it makes sense for them to imagine a ‘mans brain that’s always been in a woman’s body’ etc, rather than questioning the meaning of binary gender as a whole. For non-binaries, a lot of us felt ‘wrong’ when forced into binary gendered roles, but didn’t have words to describe what we were experiencing. Some people started off genuinely being ok with their assigned gender at birth, and only begin to feel differently about it later on in life. Some people never feel dysphoria, and only feel euphoria and a sense of ‘there you are!’ when they imagine their ideal self & start that kind of gender presentation. There is no wrong way to be trans.
ReplyThank you so much. Like, seriously, I think that's exactly what I needed to hear. You're right, there's no correct way to be trans. I'll take it as a motto. ❤
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