December 21st 4:35am

I hate you. I’m with this amazing human who is just amazing to me. He genuinely cares for me, genuinely loves me, he provides for me, he takes care of me emotionally/physically/mentally. Especially physically cus the sex is great. But he’s such an overall sweetheart and I love him. Yet I still ponder on the things you’ve said/done to me before. I know this is because I am still healing which is normal and I’ve accepted that. You will never read this, but I’m admitting that I do not love you. I remember how you said nobody would ever want to be with me unless I give them sex. Except that’s what I have right now. I have somebody who is with me for me. I can tell the difference, not to compare because he is 1,000 times better than you, but just the way he speaks of me. When in public he talks about how pretty I am and how beautiful I am .. you would comment on fucking me and my body. He does talk about my ass but he also has this fascination with it lmaooo it’s cute. But it’s never sexual in the sense of being only about my body. Now of course the time frames were different and me and Khalil spent more time together. But I knew you for extremely longer then I have him. Me and you met freshman year of high school and got really close our junior year, started dating our senior year, we were then on and off for a little over a year .. yet I don’t think I could be intimate with you. That could be because we didn’t spend much time together but I think it’s because I wasn’t with you for you like at first. I met Khalil like the last week of August and got intimate with him very quickly. And I don’t mean sex .. that didn’t happen till November .. I’m talking about late night up talking and movie dates and eating together and cuddling and being with one another. BONDING. I think of how I felt so in love with you earlier this year, I also think of how draining that felt. It felt like loving you was a task not a gift. I feel so open with Khalil, I feel so accepted, I feel so comfortable, and I feel like I can trust him with me. The real me. The me that I wouldn’t expose you to because you would always make it about yourself. I had realized when i was younger I got sexually assaulted and was with my friends when it came to light and they then knew of course, I had told you soon after and your response was “ this is why we didn’t work, you were always telling people things before me. Why am I always the one to find out last? “ THIS BROKE ME. I expected you to ask if I was ok and give me comfort, yet you made yourself the victim A G A I N. Now when I told Khalil, he listened and held me. And it felt great. It felt amazing to feel his energy comforting me when I desperately needed it. And this is how he makes me always feel. He makes me feel like I am important and have a voice in our relationship and I love him for that. Lynn had asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was truly over you, and I said yes. I know I am over you. Of course I am going to miss our adventures with Gemini cus fuck y’all were my homies and we was a good ass trio lmao, but friendships die. That’s ok. Especially since I need to truly give my all to my human. I’ve been holding back. Not because of you, but because I’m scared he is going to leave. Which I know this stems from my dad leaving very often and many of the ex’s I’ve been with leaving me for somebody else. I know I need to have more trust in him, but it just is hard and will take time. But I think I need to, for me. Of course baby steps. I think a big push was having sex with him because wow like wtf. I am so comfortable with him that I don’t have a problem if he sees me naked, which is a huge thing for me. Because I hate my body, yet he loves it and makes me try to love my body. He accepts me. All in all he accepts every part of me and I couldn’t ask for more in a partner. A partner. Because that’s exactly what he is, somebody who is in this relationship with me. He’s my partner 🤎