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For the past few days I have done nothing. Not done a chore or studied or even relaxed. Netflix was playing but I couldn’t even tell you what was playing let alone the storyline. I probably put on something I have seen a million times so that if I did start paying attention I already knew the plot line. I isolated myself. I didn’t even want to talk to my best friend for too long so that I could get back to whatever I was feeling. I’m a terrible friend. I love her to bits yet I would rather be in whatever rut I’m in than talk to her. It doesn’t make sense. The best way to describe what I am feeling is a rut. I’m not sad or depressed… just not happy or even content. Worthless is too harsh but I guess empty? Is it possible to be full of an empty feeling? I know that I don’t need to be happy all the time but this is different. That day in September reminded me of that but I wish it hadn’t. Over the years I grew to accept that this is what life is as an adult and maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I know logically I deserve to be happy but the emotional side of my brain doesn’t get that message. And then a day like September rolls around and I can breathe for the first time in years and I see glimpses of my old self: not always happy but full of life. I miss her and want her to come back. She was still a ball of anxiety and had her bad days but it wasn't constant. She faded away slowly then all at once she was gone. What was left behind looked and acted like the same girl but on the inside I have had all the happiness carved out of me and the emptiness filled me like liquid mercury, filling in every inch of the depleted happiness and weighing me down. I try to chip way at the emptiness but clothes mask the red-stained bandages. Always wearing a mask: whether it be clothes or a smile. No one can know the scars I hide or the mercury in my blood because then I've truly lost the person I used to be. As long as I can pretend to be her then she is not truly lost. As long as I pretend to be her I have an air bubble of hope in the mercury.
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i have and do feel very similarly to what you've written here; you are not alone. i do think that "ruts" like this are completely normal for the stage of life you are in. its understandable to be so tired and exhausted from life that nothing seems to feel like anything anymore. also, given the context of what you wrote, it sounds like you're at the stage of life where you're still trying to figure out who you are (as i am), which leads us to hang onto this idea of our "old self". it's important to try to accept that you are always growing and changing, being altered by your life experience, and you simply are not going to continue to be who you were as a child, a high schooler, an 18 year old, whatever it may be. i'm still struggling and working on this, too.
the only advice i can offer is to reach out to your friend and let her know what's going on. this is something i've had to do. i've reached out to my closest friend recently to tell her "hey, i know i'm isolating right now, and I apologize for that. I am struggling with [xyz...] and finding it difficult to reach out and connect with my friends. i really think i need some time and space to sort through these things, and i don't want you to think that i value our friendship any less because of that." Something like this (whatever feels right for you to say) may help you feel less isolated, ease any confusion she may have, and ensure you don't burn a bridge without meaning to as you try to navigate this difficult time.
it's okay to keep parts of your struggle private, but don't hide it all.
i'm sorry that you are going through this, but know that you WILL see better days. best of luck to you<3 stay strong!!
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