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My ex hurt me
4 months ago · · toxic relationship,
It's not easy to admit. As a man, admitting that a girl hurt you, that you were foolish enough to be deceived and manipulated, and that there really was no way to fight back... These things are all deep wounds in the pride as well... To be betrayed by someone you thought, not only was on your side, but that you thought was really on your side... but that's why I have to admit it... But even worse, is that it really hurt inside. That I wasn't strong enough to just be ok. That's even more shameful. I wasn't strong enough to not be effected by it. I wasn't strong enough. And now I find myself almost afraid of romantic interactions. Like I can't escape the shadows of what happened when I was with that ...woman ... God, I wish I could just be strong and just not have these feelings. It's even further disgraceful to think that there are others who are strong enough to just bounce back from this kind of thing. But now it's like something in me is all wired incorrectly. I should be flirting and meeting people and enjoying life. Instead I see a beautiful and engaging lady and I get all frozen like she's a threat. Why am I so weak? I hate this. I tried. It's not like I haven't tried to get over it. It's not like I'm choosing this experience. At the very least, I can assure you that it feels so real to me that I am not choosing this experience that all the people who tell me that I should stop focusing on it or stop letting it get to me... they just make me feel more alone and outside and not right when they say that stuff... I feel like no one will ever understand that this thing which didn't bruise me or break my bones felt and feels still like a real legitimate injury. I don't want attention I'm not fishing for sympathy I just wish to God that I could talk to one friend in my life about this and not walk away from the conversation feeling even worse. I feel so alone now. And it's like connecting with others is getting harder and harder and harder. I used to be outgoing... Today I try to be outgoing and I get anxiety attacks... It's bad enough that it happened, but I can't even talk about it. No one gets it. No one can see that the pain was real for me. It's always the same man up lecture, if not just outright mocking. So I'm saying it here. To the audient void. To strangers who don't know me. So you can't think less of me. Because for all you know, I could be your best friend or your brother or your dad. I'm a stranger too. So that makes me safe from your judgement even if you do judge me. Because I know you all have no idea who I am. So here, I can admit it without making it worse. My ex was psychologically torturing me for years before I left her. She kept becoming worse over time. From subtle things to deeper and deeper mind games and manipulations. Her last words to me were sheer malice and spite and attack but spoken aloud instead of thrown in a fist. And now I look back and realize she was studying my weaknesses from the start of our relationship. And that makes me feel even more foolish and weak and not enough. I am a man who was abused by a woman. I guess in most peoples minds I can't exist. But I am real. And for all you know, I could be your best friend, your brother, or your dad. Or anyone you care about that you believe would never be so weak for it to happen to him. And she really did use these social and mental and emotional tricks inflict a kind of harm me that is totally legal and acceptable and no big deal. And I'm still trying to figure out how to get better. So thank you, strangers. Thank you for being strangers. And so, being safe to tell this to.