The thing I want the most

To be able to part with all my sins, pleasures, and companions, and whatever I delight in that is not from God, such that I would not be soul and body cast into hell.

It is so easy to write, and say, and desire, but seemingly so hard to effect.

I must always keep this goal present in my mind, and heart.

I know it is not by my own holiness that it should happen, but by imputed righteousness from Christ. And still, it is important to somehow not "die in my sins". I hope I can do this.

I hope I can make a departure from a life that dishonors the Lord to one that actually, truly, and fully honors Him.

How can such a change happen I wonder?

I see I am closer to the rich man than to Lazarus. I want to turn this ship around and yet, I am so poor at sailing.

Perhaps just the fear of God will drive the change.

I'm struggling with the anxiety of it even as I know we are not supposed to have anxiety.

I understand God does not call many people who are noble or wise. This was a new discovery for me, as I previously only earlier heard that it is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom. I believe rich is having food and raiment. I am not entirely sure what is rich but it is clearly the opposite of a poor beggar. The further my departure from that state, perhaps the greater my sins.

I hope I can do what I actually should.

I don't want to fall asleep in false comforts from the devil.

I know my time is limited. Half my life is over.

Maybe more.

I want to get this right somehow. I have for quite some time but, I am struggling.