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4 months ago · · Stress,
it's really hard not to attach myself to grades. it's so hard for me to fully comprehend that i am more than just A's, GPAs, and test scores. i bet countless more students out there feel the same way. constantly preparing and studying- then you get the results back from a test/quiz/FRQ (Free response question) and you see a big fat C, D, or F.
I maintain a 4.0+ and I play a sport and i've got a great scholarship to go to college.
i'm taking AP BIO right now because i want to take biology as my undergrad in college. AP BIO is making me rethink that decision. without the curve on tests, i would probably have a D in the class. it's the start of the semester and i already have a 69 because i failed the first FRQ.
i try to convince myself that AP classes are different. AP classes are geared more towards the big 5-point test at the end of the year. my teacher isn't really good at teaching and i'm worried for college.
i'm not gonna lie and say that biology is my 100% passion. in the future i want to pursue neuroscience or something along those lines. i know that that decision can change, but i'm the type of person who needs some sort of plan or vision to work towards. i know a few of my strengths i think. it's also hard when i'm going through burn out right now. i'm already accepted into an amazing college with a sports scholarship, but i still feel burdened like i felt when i was in the recruiting process.
i don't know what i want to undergrad in. and honestly i feel like that is not a proper decision for a 16-18-year-old to make. but that's the way it works. i'm not going to go undeclared for 2 years and almost waste the money and scholarship, but i don't want to force myself to do something i cannot keep up with.
i'm interested in working with people in a service-care type of way (not business or marketing or show biz). i don't know if i can picture myself going through years of med school to become a neurosurgeon, but i try not to close any doors. i've always been interested in seeing how a human responds to their environment based on the physiology part.
AP BIO feels extremely discouraging. i'm a hard worker and i put in the effort and i love learning, but this class makes me feel so small. i'm already humble, if that's what you're thinking. i don't go around signing up for classes and already thinking that i'll nail it. AP BIO just makes me feel stupid. same with the teacher. i should've taken AP CHEM. the teacher is good and more open to discussion. i don't think i'm the biggest math person but i have to take calc ab next year but i really don't want to but there's no other options. ap chem seems really hard but i was really into regular chemistry and yeah.
i just feel like i'm suffocating sometimes. cause idk if it's just me but some people's strengths are so obvious and it's like a career is already cut out for them. i often feel like a jack of all trades master of none and it's really difficult. i want to connect with people and understand them and help them. i want to problem solve and create and help restore. i've had thoughts that go from "women's college sports coach [in my sport]" to "neurosurgeon".
i know that i don't really want to pursue: math, computer science, art, history
my dad tells me i'm a very analytical and observant person- but isn't everyone? haha.
i also feel that a lot of people around me are just full of complaints and i say this, because it affects me. it makes me want to complain more, give up often, and stop working hard. i don't like that at all. it's not me. i put in the extra effort because it's my work ethic. i know when to balance out when to do the minimum and when to put my soul into it. but right now i just feel so suffocated.
hopefully i figure this out by this december. i trust the process and God because a lot can happen in 11 months. it's just intimidating. peace out <3