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Everything is my fault. I'm the only one to blame for how miserable I am. I should kill myself. I don't deserve to live. I make the people around me unhappy. I'll never be happy or satisfied with life. I'll never have my own family. I shouldn't even have my own kids. It would be unfair to create life in this world, and especially unfair to create life with my genes.
But even if I chose to live now, I've fucked up. I'm going to lose my financial aid and it's all my fault. I'm so stupid for not considering it.
My body is disgusting. I'm disgusting. I can't imagine anyone loving me. It would be unfair to put anyone through caring for me. I'd just give them grief.
But even killing myself is selfish? I don't want to put my mom through that suffering. But I don't want to keep living this way and I don't believe it'll get better. If it does, it will just get worse again. It always does. I always make it worse. It's my fucking fault.
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Is it your fault though? Sure, you've done questionable shit to make it worse. But is the root cause your fault? How exactly did you choose to make yourself depressed? I guess you could say you chose to have an eating disorder, but even that is stretching it. You never chose to hate yourself so much that restricting and binging for years became your life. You didn't want that. You didn't want to be depressed. So how could you be blamed for it?
You have failed to take responsibility and get help. Only you can ask for help. You didn't ask for help and look at you now. Depressed and losing your financial aid. You fucked up on that one. But you'll be on probation for a year. You can cover that. It'll be okay. It's hard to forgive yourself, but if you want to move past this you have to. I believe you can.
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Hi, I also posted on this site recently. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I was in a similar state a few months ago. I lost everything that meant everything to me. I have had to rebuild from scratch and start anew. I don't know your situation, but I do know this. Do not let other's opinions get in the way of your own. You are here, you are breathing, you have an opinion. I almost let the world get the better of me, until I realized that I wouldn't be solving the problem. Why am I the way I am? Why do I make things worse? Why do I destroy everything I touch? I found the answer to be simple, but irreversibly demanding to understand. I had to let go of what others thought of me. What opportunities would come my way if I appealed to someone. I had to let go of the world because I realized it was fallen. But I could still save myself. I had to learn to love myself, and I am still in the process. The challenge is intense, but I know I must do it in order to be satisfied with myself. I am not satisfied with myself at this moment, but I try to make another step every day. Some days I don't make a step, back pedal even. But so long as I know I am doing what is needed for myself, then that is all that matters. I hope this helps you, and I am so sorry if it doesn't. Please comment if you can.
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