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6 days ago · · Depression, · Explicit
Everything is my fault. I'm the only one to blame for how miserable I am. I should kill myself. I don't deserve to live. I make the people around me unhappy. I'll never be happy or satisfied with life. I'll never have my own family. I shouldn't even have my own kids. It would be unfair to create life in this world, and especially unfair to create life with my genes.
But even if I chose to live now, I've fucked up. I'm going to lose my financial aid and it's all my fault. I'm so stupid for not considering it.
My body is disgusting. I'm disgusting. I can't imagine anyone loving me. It would be unfair to put anyone through caring for me. I'd just give them grief.
But even killing myself is selfish? I don't want to put my mom through that suffering. But I don't want to keep living this way and I don't believe it'll get better. If it does, it will just get worse again. It always does. I always make it worse. It's my fucking fault.
Is it your fault though? Sure, you've done questionable shit to make it worse. But is the root cause your fault? How exactly did you choose to make yourself depressed? I guess you could say you chose to have an eating disorder, but even that is stretching it. You never chose to hate yourself so much that restricting and binging for years became your life. You didn't want that. You didn't want to be depressed. So how could you be blamed for it?
You have failed to take responsibility and get help. Only you can ask for help. You didn't ask for help and look at you now. Depressed and losing your financial aid. You fucked up on that one. But you'll be on probation for a year. You can cover that. It'll be okay. It's hard to forgive yourself, but if you want to move past this you have to. I believe you can.