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I’ve had 2 jabs, it was a lot worse than anyone said, and I’m not getting another one.
I’m not going to spread misinformation or try to convince anyone else not to. I don’t think vaccines are evil, I’m not one of those insensitive asshats that tries to compare covid passes to the holocaust (like, come on. Some privileged people wanna be victims so bad, I stg), I don’t even want to talk about it particularly because I’d rather not have the argument. I just want my decision to be my own, and I don’t want people to just assume I’m some selfish and ignorant human embodiment of a plague flea. I don’t want antivaxxers to think I’m one of them.
For a little context…I have a really bad phobia of needles, and unfortunately getting any kind of injection activates my fight-or-flight response and if I can’t get out, it either makes me have a panic attack, or makes me so uncontrollably angry that I want to literally fight someone. It’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s not something I can change. Anxiety is weird like that. I’ve turned down chances to go on holiday before because it required a needle first. Despite this, when covid vaccines were first available, I got one. I wasn’t scared of getting covid myself (my brother and all his friend group had already had covid, and for them it really was just like a super bad flu), but I got the vaccine because it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to risk spreading disease to someone else, who could be more badly affected by it. People with compromised immune systems still deserve the chance to go outside, you know?
Everyone said they barely felt it. They said they hadn’t had any side effects, save a slightly achey arm. It was supposed to be worth it, to stop the spread and slow/end the pandemic quickly.
I just about kept it together in public, then had a panic attack when I got home and couldn’t sleep because of the adrenaline. The next day, I had flu comparable to the worst flu I’ve ever had - but still had all my usual responsibilities to do, because it wasn’t supposed to be that bad. Whatever, I was unlucky, I could deal with it. The worst part…was the side effects that no one had mentioned, anywhere. It messed with my hormones. I’m on 2 different medications which should’ve stopped A Thing from happening, but because of the vaccine, A Thing happened. Now, for me, when A Thing happens…I can’t cope. I get anemic. I get cramps that ordinary pain meds can’t mask. My mental health takes a complete nosedive that undoes several years of work. On top of all that, there’s dysphoria and the sense that It Shouldn’t Be Happening, But There’s Nothing I Can Do About It. This all lasts for at least 9 days. I was on those meds for a reason.
My friends fiancé had the vaccine, and died from complications related to it. Statistics later changed from ‘one in a million’ to ‘one in ten thousand’ chance. For context, the chance of dying from sunstroke are around 1 in 8000. Same for ‘accidental gun incident’.
Anyway, I was relentlessly guilted into having the second jab, but this time everyone promised it’d be better. ‘I had flu the first time, nothing at all this time though! You’ll be fine!’. The injection itself made me so angry I couldn’t speak for 2 hours, could barely keep myself in line. Another sleepless night, this time with shaking tension and teeth gritted so hard they threatened to wear themselves away altogether. All the same side effects as before, but worse. My mental health didn’t recover. I haven’t slept a full night since. The Thing That Wasn’t Supposed To Happen kept happening, with the same intensity, but completely irregularly, for months. It’s only just stopped. I literally don’t think I can live through it happening again, not with my brain in the state it’s currently in. I stayed angry, to be honest, because this time it wasn’t just a panic reaction. I am genuinely angry that I purposely allowed that to happen to me again.
My mum had 3 jabs, and then got covid (she’s fine btw). Turns out that being fully vaccinated doesn’t actually stop you from getting or spreading the disease. It might mean you have a slightly milder version, might not, maybe the latest version’s mild anyway, mild enough that apparently (according to our government, who obviously aren’t an even remotely reliable source) everyone can go back to work and stop wearing masks and learn to ‘live with it’, who knows?
I know the pandemic isn’t over. I’m not going to stop wearing a mask and socially distancing and washing my hands. I almost wish I was selfish and fully anti-vax, or didn’t ‘believe in the virus’ or whatever, because then I could at least feel good about my decision. As it is, I just feel…tired.
Getting people to take me seriously when I talk about my health has always been a struggle. There was a time when doctors wouldn’t believe me until it was almost too late, and even then they were reluctant. I was lucky to get any sort of prescription, I’ve just been brushed off since.
I don’t need approval or acceptance really, I just want to be left alone. I just want to exist without guilt. I shouldn’t have to justify myself, make myself vulnerable, show my weaknesses and medical history in detail to everyone who asks about my vaccination status, every time it comes up in conversation. Is there any way I can get out of this without being branded Selfish? Can my body just be my own?
Should I just lie?
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I feel the same way. I'm vaccinated both shots caused me memory side effects as well as my parents .it was phizer. 1st shot felt like literal poison I kid you not. I've also heard a fully vaccinated person passed away from covid so does it really help? Idk I don't want the booster either. Its more poison my opinion but everybody can do what they wish. I only got it because my parents were like "its better than dying on a ventilator". I'm not anti vax either I got the flu shot too and it gave me the flu. So anybody can do what they wish.
ReplyI'm vaccine-free and no fucker will ever coerce me into putting something into my body against my will.
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