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I know you don't want to hear this. I've tried several times before to tell you...I tried the day we ended, but you wouldn't even let me talk to you at the time. I get it, you were hurt, although, if you'd allowed me to explain, you probably wouldn't have been hurt anymore. I tried several other times, but you still wouldn't let me explain. So I'm going to explain it ALL, right now.
The day we ended, before I came over to your house, my mother told me that if I was going away to the college I thought I was going to, that to be fair to you, I had to break it off with you, and if I didn't, she wouldn't help me pay for college. I came up with what I thought was a brilliant plan. I told you that I needed you to promise me, that you'd go to things like homecoming and prom without me, because they were important, and I wasn't going to be available...and that if you wouldn't do that, you'd be forcing me to break up with you, for your own benefit. That last part was _only_ meant to give you a sense of how important it was to me, for you to attend those events, even if it was without me. You seemed to only hear the last part of that.
You told me to leave.
I left, because I was always about trying to make you happy, and it was obvious at the time, that my presence made you very sad... I was doing all of the above because I never wanted you to regret being with me...I never wanted you to resent me for making you miss those important life events! I wanted you to be my forever! I KNEW, like I had never known anything, that my life was going to be severely diminished, for the loss of you. Letting you go, while it was still done because I loved you, was the biggest mistake of my life!
Later that very same day, I found out that a big part of my decision was based on a lie. I was lied to by my mother! They were never going to help pay for me to go to college no matter what happened!
Monday, 2 days after we ended, I tried to talk to you...I made another mistake...I asked you not to make me beg...I should have simply done that...begged you to first let me explain, and second, to give me even a small second chance.
I tried multiple times during the 6 weeks before the school year ended, but you wouldn't even hear me out.
Then I was gone away for a couple of months, and when I got back, I had no time to do anything before I did have to pack to go to college...but the college was much closer, only about a 45 minute drive instead of a 6 hour flight away...so I would have been able to be home to take you to homecoming and prom, but I was never able to tell you that...the night of your junior prom, I was in my dorm room. I didn't want to let anyone see me...because I couldn't go more than a few minutes without bursting out in another wave of tears...because I wasn't there with you!
A week or two after that, I was home, for the first time, with some free time. I drove to your house, and knocked on the door...no one was there. I waited for almost an hour...but no one ever showed up. I should have left a note, although I doubt it would have helped.
I was shown your wedding announcement in the local paper...I cried. I went to the church the day of your wedding, intending to either try to talk to you on your way in, or stand and object when offered the chance...then I thought I'd just be ruining your wedding...and being that I never wanted to cause you _any_ pain, I left just as I saw you arrive.
I've lived with that pain, ever since the say we ended. I kept it hidden away, and only let it out when I was alone.
I was out with my best friend, Steven, hitting the clubs. At one of our regular spots, he and I had just arrived and had gone up to the balcony to look at the dance floor. Then I saw you...I thought it was you anyway...from that distance, and in that dim lighting I really thought it was you. I said to my buddy "See those two girls dancing? I'm going to marry the short one." At that moment, I still thought it was YOU. We did go down to the dance floor, and managed to dance our way between the two girls, and I realized it wasn't you. On top of that she had a boyfriend. Later, I tried telling my buddy that I thought fate, or the universe was trying to tell me to find you, and get back together with you. He convinced me that I was wrong...that the universe had shown me _you_, so I would know who to look for later.
The pain, and tears continued...even after this other woman broke up with her boyfriend, and started dating me. The universe or fate or whatever, kept giving me signs...she and I broke up for a while. On my way home from that, my only thoughts were, I wonder if I can go and talk to _you_. She and I eventually got back together. I got sick to my stomach the day I moved out of my parents place to move in with her. The day she and I got married, my feet felt like I was standing on hot coals from the moment I woke up. At the church it literally felt like I was standing on lit charcoal briquettes, and it didn't let up until we arrived at the reception...then I just felt nauseous.
I kept the pain stuffed way down...for years, I still had to let it out from time to time...and my morning showers were the perfect outlet. so I was able to keep it under control by letting it out when no one was looking. On those rare occasions when I'd get caught with tears on my cheeks, I just played it off as the result of a yawn, or getting something in my eye...smoke, or dust etc. That worked...I was able to cover for decades!
Then we came across each other on facebook. The moment I saw your name, my walls started to crack. In that first moment, I knew I would, at some point in the nearer future, have to tell you...and my wife, that I never ever let you go...not in my heart. I never had and never would...I don't think it is possible for me to let you go.
Not very long after that we made plans for you, your second husband, my wife and I, to meet at that reunion. I was hoping for one slow dance with you, so I could say a few things to you, without hurting my wife, or your husband...but you never would. You recall what happened. I broke down and said, out loud, in front of my wife, and your husband, that I still loved you. You told me I'd broken your heart...I could see you were upset. I could see your husband was upset. I could see my wife was upset. You and your husband left...my wife and I left. I explained to her on the ride home. She is a champ...she understands.
It's been 3.5 years since that day. We're still in contact on FB, although you have limited what we can talk about. And even then, when I've asked you a direct question about those things you have determined we can still talk about, lately you've not responded at all. You do still see at least some of my posts...because you do still react to them.
I don't want to cause you any pain. I never wanted that...and yet, I am encouraged by many, to be who I am, and speak my truth...I've done that. I did cause some additional pain to my wife...although I think she's understands...this (causing her pain, causing you pain, causing your husband pain) is never something I planned. It is not something I wanted. I also never wanted to hurt like this, myself...there are times it gets so intolerable, that I start to shake. I have to let it out.
So I am sorry, dear love of my life, I will continue to post the poetry, and the songs and the prose...and hope that you are still listening, and maybe, one day, before either of us is gone, we will be able to spend a little time together, just us two, holding hands hugging, crying on each others shoulders...I'd love to tell you the details of the dreams I've had...dreams of us. Dreams of the things that never were, and never will be, and yet made me happy, at least while I was dreaming. Dreams of the day you graduated, and I was there, sitting with your family. Dreams of the day I proposed and you accepted. Dreams of our honeymoon. Dreams of the day you told me we were expecting our first child...dreams of attending some sort of fancy social event (it was black tie formal, and you looked stunning). Dreams of taking a road trip with our kids...I can hear us all singing along to the radio, I can smell your perfume. Dreams of mundane things like helping the kids with their homework. Some sad dreams as well...dreams like me comforting you when your father passed. I'd also love to be able to tell you all of things I wanted to do..the things I had planned for us to do as a couple...going out to dinner, just the two of us. Going to a dance club, again, just the two of us. Going to a country fair/carnival...me winning you some silly stuffed animal. Going for a swim. Spending time with your younger siblings...and mine. All sorts of little things.
One day, I hope to be able to tell you all of this, in a way, where I know that you have listened and really heard what I have been trying to say, all of these years, now over 4 decades...I still love you, and I will until I take my last breath!
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