My Unsent Letter of unconditional love

I hate you.

I hate your stinging words when it clashes against my body, attacking my skin.

I hate that I know it’s you just by the sounds of your footsteps.

I hate that I still beg you for your forgiveness while killing myself bit by bit.

I hate my name on the tip of your tongue, before it slowly comes out of your lips.

I hate the way you look at me, each stare a regret of my very existence.

I hate the way you ask me so much and do so little.

I hate the way your eyes glaze over the second your eyes stare at the burden you have to endure.

I hate the way I make your life so insufferable that you can’t even stand to be near me.

I hate the way you make me a coward, crying and shaking until you're gone.

I hate the way I blame you for my pain.

I hate the way I hide in my bed begging for a release from my mind.

I hate the way I don’t care like I used to, that my emotions the ones I used to think were going to kill me, are the same ones I plead with a god I dont believe in to make me feel again, because then at least I would know that I am still alive.

I hate that your words, that used to break me every time you spoke, barely even hurts me anymore.

I hate the way my brain edges me on, trying to convince me to hate you.

I hate you for making me see who i really am, for ignorance was bliss, and I was ecstatic.

I hate that I dont hate you.

I posted this anonymously before so idk.