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I’ve been getting bad again for a while, but trying to ignore it. The vast majority of the time, I just feel kind of…flat. 2 dimensional. Floaty and heavy at the same time and not really here. I’ve had an ‘actual’ illness for about 7 weeks now (not covid, but a cough that won’t go away) and like…I know that’s bad, and I should do something about it, but I can’t make myself care. I get confused really easily, and am clumsy when normally I’m super careful (sensory issues, I don’t like loud noises etc so would normally do every action lightly and considerately). I feel…so, so stupid, so often, in different ways and for different reasons.
I get angry way easier than I used to. I was actually comforted when my natural ‘fight or flight’ response changed to ‘fight’ from ‘freeze/fawn’. It felt like a positive difference at first, like I could do something to get out of bad situations rather than giving the power to other people. The other side of that, though, is that when my anxiety is out of control…any slightly negative situation can trigger that response. I don’t want to show how angry I am when it’s no one else’s fault, so I kind of internalise it and break down when I’m by myself. I get so incredibly angry at my animals when they’re destructive or loud or aggressive to each other, and I’m ashamed of that because it’s not their fault (by the way, they’re safe, I don’t hurt/punish them or anything, it’s literally just the emotion/being overwhelmed). I used to have a lot more patience/sense of humour/maturity. I could think of everything as ‘just information, not an insult’. Now, when anything happens it’s just too much. And there are more bad days than ok days.
I also have manic moments where, for a few minutes, I suddenly want to do everything at once and it doesn’t feel impossible. But it doesn’t last, and I end up being tired and overwhelmed again by all the things I just started doing & can’t finish even one.
I get ideas for things, and in the next second lose all motivation to do it.
I find socialising more effort than it’s worth lately, because I can’t feel a connection. I get anxious and over-analyse and can’t sleep for several nights after, because my brain keeps replaying everything that went wrong and every time I made someone uncomfortable by not being normal and easygoing enough. I actually caught myself thinking the other day that I don’t even want to make any friends, because keeping any kind of relationship going would be too much effort. I caught myself thinking that there’s no point in working out or brushing my hair or wearing nice things, because no one’s going to see it and I don’t want anyone to see it, so there’s no point. My room’s a mess because I’m the only one that sees it, no one else is that close and I don’t want them to be. It should be something I care about, because it’s my space, but there’s too much and it’s too tiring, and doing a little bit at a time makes no difference because within a few days it’s worse. Spending precious limited energy with nothing to show for it.
The issue is, nothing feels good. I know there’s infinite things I should be doing, basic human stuff, but even if I manage to do something…there’s no sense of satisfaction.
That’s bad, right? Textbook depression symptoms right there, not taking care of yourself, losing interest in hobbies, isolation and all that stuff. As an evolutionary thing, it makes sense - ‘you’re sick, just stay alone so no one else gets sick like you’. Unfortunately, this illness isn’t going anywhere. I’m just Like That.
So, go back on antidepressants.
I don’t want to.
I don’t think there’s a choice.
I still don’t want to.
Because antidepressants put me into a manic phase, except this time instead of being a few minutes or hours…it’s all the time. Anyone I interact with thinks I’m on speed or something, I’m honestly just a really irritating person to be around like that. I’m not a fun person to be around now, either way I drain peoples energy without meaning to, but on antidepressants…it’s just constant. I annoy myself at times. It makes me want friends, but limits my ability to empathise so when things go wrong, it hurts rather than just being normal. I commit to loads of different things, like I can take on the world, but at some point I’ll eventually either level out and go numb, or stop taking the meds and get overwhelmed again. Also, it means I can’t drink. I don’t have an alcohol dependency at all, but when you only meet acquaintances/new people on nights out and at festivals where everyone’s drunk or tripping absolute balls…it makes things complicated. If I’m obviously sober and don’t say why, people will assume I’m boring or judgemental or (ew) pregnant or something. If I say it’s because of antidepressants, it’ll bring the mood down and I’m back to being an energy-draining demon. Besides that, drinking is a social thing. Not being a part of it means purposely excluding myself from a shared experience. Another thing (and this may sound silly)…for the first few months, while the initial manic phase is going on, it’ll make my voice high pitched. I’ve been trying to make my voice lower, because I hate being shrill, hate being seen as someone with a ‘girly’ voice, but anxiety and manic phases undo that work.
I’ll basically be a toddler who’s had too much caffeine and sugar.
It’s probably better than being this unpredictable, though. Hyper to numb is probably better than whatever this is, I just can’t see it.
‘Take your medicine!’ ‘No! Don’t wanna!’
Stupid baby
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Talk to your doctor about doing or taking something else rather than antidepressants and say why you don't want to take them. Maybe there is other medication that can prevent you from going manic while you are on antidepressants. Or maybe a weaker dose will help. There are no medically trained people on this site who can advise you. Sorry. See your doctor.
ReplyContinued: I remembered that depression is part of bipolar and people with bipolar take lithium, so if you aren't on lithium suggest this to your doctor as it could help.
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