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I don’t think I’m friends with my best friend anymore. I always feel this way every once in a while, but now more than ever I think that it’s true. And it really might be.
My friend and I have been friends for 7 years now, I’m only 17 so that’s quite a while for me, and in the past two years or so, our contact has been limited since we don’t have any classes together and she’s not good at responding to messages/calls. Inevitably, she, the more outgoing of us two, has made many new friends and always seems to be busy. She rarely responds to my texts and never reaches out first—I never really see her outside of a group setting not anymore— but we’re the kind of friends that can not talk for weeks then start again like there was no break. Even though that’s true, I always want to talk to her more and I do get hurt that she never seems to want to talk to or see me, despite her saying she does when we do see each other. She always tells me she loves me and that I'm her best friend but it really doesn’t feel like it.
Anywho, the reason I feel like I’m not even friends with her anymore is because she seems so far ahead of me. Not only does she not talk to me anymore because she’s always busy with her other friends, but she also got a boyfriend and didn’t even tell me. They’ve done a lot of stuff and I never even knew. I’m not entitled to know everything that goes on in her life but I feel like that’s something you tell someone you call your best friend, right? This is all entirely insecurity and selfishness on my part, but I always thought that we were on a path together but now she seems so far ahead and it feels like I thought we were closer than we are. That maybe she was only MY best friend and I wasn’t hers. I was with her yesterday at one of our other friend’s (who we’ve been friends with for 5 years now) houses and honestly, I felt uncomfortable around her because she had changed so much. It’s not like it’s a bad thing but I feel so awful. Also, she was always texting other people and I feel like she didn’t actually want to be there with us. I love her so much but I can’t feel comfortable anymore. I don’t know what to do.
Another thing, I am afraid of men. I don’t know why, because nothings ever happened to me, nobody has done anything to me aside from a bit of bullying, but I feel so uncomfortable around boys. I don’t know how to tell this friend that I don’t like, nor do I feel comfortable around her boyfriend. Even if we aren’t properly friends anymore, I know that she’ll still invite me to this one thing we do every year together. We go on vacation together every summer (for 5 years now for a full 1-2 weeks once or twice a summer) and I know she’ll invite me, but I also know that her boyfriend will be there and honesty I don’t think I can do it. I would love to spend time with her again but the thought of being around him makes me scared so I don’t think I can muster up the courage to go, no matter how happy it usually makes me.
It’s so stupid that I can’t even spend the little time I have with her anymore together because I’m so afraid of her boyfriend. He’s never done anything to me and even if I don’t like him, that’s no reason to avoid them. Even with this, as I said before, I don’t feel as close to her anyways, but I don’t know if I can cope with properly accepting the fact that we aren’t friends. I’m saying it now but I can’t even believe it. I still love her so much and it feels like I’ve lost a part of myself.
I understand that this is a thing that happens a lot with teenagers and that high school friends aren’t forever, but it hurts so much. I’m sure a lot of this is insecurity, too, but this feeling has been building up for so long, I can’t ignore it anymore.
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