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19/12/21
That Saturday
I fucking hate it here. I only came to go to the movies with him or for food and shi and plus to watch venom 2 again but then he tells me we can’t go bc he doenst have his vaccinations so he asks me to stay over to have a movie night with everyone. Ended up being us two watching Jurassic World. Like bro I get it you have a family and you need to stay with that family and stop going out of your way to get me to stay over so you can fuck with my brain and nearly me. Like just stop I just can’t take it anymore becuase he will want me one minute and then feels like he has to do the same with her the next. Like for fuck sake as much as you hate her pick her. Don’t pick me. It’s not good for the both of us and it’s completely Ruining me. As much as we all joke about it fuck this thing hurts like it’s confusing having your first kiss with some guy who doenst even know what he’s doing with his life and knowing that it’s completely illegal. But I feel like it hurts more becuase I’ve let it get to me. He’s my best friend yk he’s been there for me and it’s hard as my dick to get past that and just ignore the fact that he has literally helped me through everything. And I love him to death as in I wouldn’t want anything bad ever happening to him. But when you feel in the situation where at the start you both felt the same way about each other and then it going on for a whole year and you start to realise that whatever this is doenst feel the same anymore. So when youre put in the situation where you either kiss him or loose the closest thing to you it’s intimidating. And I know if he is a best friend they wouldn’t do that but then I question if he really does love me then why does he do the same to her. This is where it confuses me. Becuase he will stand up for himself when I’m there and hang around me but as soon as she cracks the shits and realises as much as he doesn’t want to he always chooses Her and it will always be her becuase if it were ever me then the whole entire family on all the sides would be fucked including me mainly. I’m not jealous over how he likes her but all I would like is for him to pick a side becuase I can tell you Now if there were a choice where he had to save either me or her I would purposely Killmyself so he had to choose her knowing she wouldn’t do the same. But that’s what a best friend does. I’ve helped him so much and all he has done is helped me But hurt me most in a way where nobody has ever hurt me before. And I know I should just get over it but when you form a relationship and a bond with someone who knows every single thing about you and your family it’s hard. I reckon my best bet is This holiday. When I leave to cairns I’m gone for a while so hopefully within that trip he will come to his senses that everything he has done is a mistake. Which hurts even more becuase that means he used me. Yeah it’s a kiss but my first. I’ve Never felt or experienced something like that and that means a lot to me becuase it was with someone I deeply care so much about. I knew this day would come and where the this choice would have to be made wether whatever we share continues or not.
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You need to stop doing this to yourself and accept the fact that this will not work out. Even if it means you will lose your best friend. Good luck!
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