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I can’t get over my childhood crush. She moved away 6 or so years ago when we were in elementary school and the impression she had on me was so impactful I’ve based all my relationships off of the one I had with her. In our friendship, I didn’t need to do anything for her to love me unconditionally and when I had to form new relationships with other kids, it was the first time I had to put so much effort into making friends. So I kinda isolated myself. Anyways, in middleschool when I sorta went boy crazy, I never dated anyone, I liked the idea of having a boyfriend but I never actually wanted to date them. I never liked them enough because I didn’t truly have any romantic feelings towards them. In highschool, I thought dating wasn’t for me Cuz I couldn’t find a boy that met my expectations. But then I reconnected with her and I felt satisfied with my feelings because I felt like my standards were being met. My feelings towards her confirmed that she had been my standard all along. And the more I knew about the person she had become, the deeper I fell. And I was okay with keeping it one sided and I never told anyone but I got so angry when I saw other couples together and I realized I couldn’t have that. We’re a couple of countries apart, but she was going to come back to the states. And I was completing fine with admiring her from afar until she broke the news to me that she wasn’t coming back until a couple of more years. Her boyfriend had sent her a fucking serenade for her and she wanted me to be the first person to tell and it was on her birthday, because of her boyfriends fucking gift, that convinced her to stay. That’s how it felt like but I had no right to be mad so I told her I was happy for her. Shit this is so fucked up. I drove so many people away because she was my everything to me and still is. I can’t get over a 6 year long crush in a week. And I have to go through this alone because how do I tell someone how pathetic I have been for the past few years? I’m 17 and it feels like I’m wasting any potential I have to form a genuine relationship but I can’t move on
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