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I had a mild psychotic episode which lasted around 6 yrs. From the age of 15 until i was around 19 yrs old. It was an odd section of my life..It is a blank space in my life. It almost feels like a void when i think back. As though it didn't happen. It feels like a different person as though I'm standing next to her in the past and watching her respond to the situations and the circumstances that she encountered. I feel so embarrassed. Its odd that mental illness makes you mean and makes you selfish. But it isnt the kind of selfishness where you gain anything. I lost so much during that part of my life. A lot of my confidence. I lost my enthusiasm for the things I loved. Part of me would like to see my old friends and part of me is worried. I can't help but think they have seen my worst and they have judged me to be this way permanently.. it is not who I am. I am an ordinary person who functions quite well most of the time. I still have bad days but they are few and far between. It is so difficult because I feel.that other people have misunderstood me in that they think.that when I have become disregulated in my emotions that it is attention seeking. But it is not!. On one hand you want to be left alone to overcome it independently and at the same time you don't want to feel isolated where people blatantly avoid being around you.
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I went through one too. I have schizoaffective type bipolar. They misdiagnosed me as bipolar 2 with psychotic effects. Finally after a 7 year struggle I finally was able to hold down a job and get insurance so I could get help. It was very difficult. So I completely empathize with you.
ReplyMy mum has schizoaffective disorder...but she was misdiagonsed when she was almost 19 and in recent years when she turned 40, we could actually understand what's going on...from then we could catch on what's happening but the years before that....things were really scary for me because she couldn't able to give me that attention a child requires even when she wanted to. But now I am happy that she is able cope very well with it...it took many years for her to finally be able to live a better life.
ReplyPlease don't worry much about others. Let past be past. And please focus on your mental health and well being.... people come and go in life....it's you that is important,so work for your happiness ,and until you get better don't even think about anyone else. Let's not worry much about things we can't control and focus more on what we can do for ourselves....like starting with loving yourself....discovering what gives you utmost joy and makes you feel safe and happy. I know it's hard when you feel misunderstood and when people avoid you....but dude people come and go....if things didn't go down well it's okay...It's perfectly fine. You said they've judged you when you were at your worst... understandable...I'd say you write such incidents down...one last time in detail and remove them forever from your mind. Things didn't go well...fine, let's not dwell on them longer and wait for people to change their mindset about us...let's keep working on ourselves.
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