What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I’m finally back in a manic phase, and in some ways it’s so, so good. For the first time in months I’m actually getting things done, cleaning, working on projects that I’d thought I could never get motivation for. The weather sucks, the news sucks, but I’m not weighed down by it like I was.
On the flipside…impulsive purchases meant that I now barely have any money left for this month. It’ll be fine, but it’s annoying.
The worst thing, though, is suddenly feeling acute loneliness when before there was just a dull ache. In the several-months-long depressive phase, I wasn’t able to be a good version of myself. I drove people away, and self-sabotaged without knowing/meaning to. I didn’t have any proper friends before anyway, but now I don’t even have friendly acquaintances. This isn’t being self pitying, by the way, I’m not really able to feel bad about it right now. It’s just how it is.
I want connection. I need to know someone, and be known. I want a friend group to just do normal things (or weird things lol) with. I want to be seen without being studied or pitied. I want to feel at home in a group of equals, maybe I even want to try experimenting with something romantic eventually. I’m curious about a lot of things, but I don’t know whether my reaction to certain situations is caused by genuine lack of attraction, or fear/trauma response. I want to explore, but I’d have to learn to trust first.
At the same time, I can’t. It’s too risky, too scary, too easy to slip up and say the wrong thing in the first place. I’ve self-sabotaged for so long, I’m not even sure how to get it right. Maybe because deep down I don’t want to. Too many conflicting layers, like an overly complicated photoshop piece. I so so badly want to know people, but it’s so so terrifying to even consider.
But I’m more in the mood for making progress than I am for reflecting. Another project to work on, let’s go!
First things first, if I do ever get talking to someone, I can’t let them know these sides of me. I can’t tell them all this stuff. It’s too much. I’m too much, undiluted. Just the good bits, a little drop at a time. I do have good qualities, and I’m probably capable of hiding the bad stuff if I put my mind to it.
If I can just offload onto this site, maybe I can stop myself from over sharing and ruining interactions in real life. I hope so. It’s a start.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Antidepressants and bipolar
I’ve been getting bad again for a while, but trying to ignore it. The vast majority of the time, I just feel kind of…flat. 2 dimensional. Floaty and heavy a...
-
My Final Words:
Growing up, I’ve been bullied. Not only by my classmates but continuously by family members. When sent to Dominica to live with my grandparents, I was moleste...