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Today I learnt of the death of a classmate back in university. We were not close and I wouldn't consider us friends. All I knew was that she was extremely nice, polite, and gentle. Someone who could make other people's lives infinitely better.
The circumstances of her passing away were not known, but I was aware that her partner recently passed away due to complications from colon cancer. They disappeared from the world just a few days apart. Someone like her wouldn't choose to leave the world because of sadness or despair. She probably voluntarily ended her life to join the person she loves in Heaven, the Other Side, or however you call it. It's a manifestation of the noblest form of love, of incredible bravery.
Her death made me reflect on how unworthy I am to live. I was born into the most fortunate of circumstances. Yet, I'm so entitled, weak-minded, and utterly despicable. I don't give kind gestures to others, I'm ungrateful, and I don't go the extra mile for anyone despite always expecting others to do so for me. Why is life so unfair that someone like me get to continue living, while someone like her gets robbed of the love of her life? Even towards the only woman who ever loved me, I said hurtful things.
I always imagined what would happen if I die. Will anyone grieve my death? Will anyone be sad? Will anyone even shed a single tear? Probably not, besides my parents. I have never done anything to deserve love or sympathy from anyone. My death will be like the impact of a drop of water colliding with an ocean. My presence makes no difference to the trajectory of the world. The world is utterly unfair, for angels perish and selfish, self-destructing humans get to live and ruin the world even further. The only sensible explanation is that living is help, is the punishment. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
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ReplyFirstly, my sincerest condolences about your ex-classmate's death. Ultimately though, you still have the right to life. All you can do is your best to being a kind person to others and working towards being a better person every day you live. From experience, people who refer to themselves the way you do yourself is often an overtly negative self-view that doesn't actually reflect who you are- you're probably a better person than you make yourself out to be and I think you should try to appreciate that more- maybe by pointing out what you like about yourself instead of what you hate. I too am weak-minded and entitled but hey, atleast I have good intentions most of the time. I don't know what you've done or what you currently may be doing but it's never too late to work towards being someone you'd look up to until you're gone. Your ex-classmate doesn't undermine that- she exemplifies it. She was a nice person in her life and you can be one too. Maybe you're nicer than you realise.
ReplyIt’s never too late to change. I now this phrase gets thrown around too much, but it’s true. You say you don’t go out the extra mile for other or engage in kind gestures but you can. It can be simple at first, just compliment someone. Tell them their hair looks good, their shirt is cool. Even if you don’t actually think so, just giving someone a small boost of happiness makes you a better person.
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