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are existential thoughts healthy? i feel like they should be, but they also are my most harmful thoughts. thoughts of my existence often put me in a depression when i think too hard about it. and it’s the kind of depression that causes harmful thoughts. i lay awake some nights and intrusively imagine stabbing myself, or wish someone else would. i wrote a personal narrative essay for a writing class and one of the prof’s comments were that i’m “living in the shadow of my future” and this resonated with me so much. i don’t want to live for later, i want to live for right now, and i don’t find much joy in it all the time. one slight inconvenience and i’m binge drinking until i pass out. i can’t handle my intense emotions. it makes me feel like i’ll never live normally. i’ve never been diagnosed with anything but i wonder if that would help me moving forward. i just get so sad and physically can’t deal with it. i try to take care of myself but it never lasts very long before i’m in the next episode. i just wish time would speed up so i could have something that would ease my existential thoughts.
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They are normal, they can just be weird sometimes
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