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A small, silvery looking piece from a necklace or charm. Thin and flimsy. Shaped as a cross. Less than half the size of my pinkie finger. I imagine, if it would sear my skin. Burn it, you know. Leave a mark, of a cross. Imagine, I pick it up and put it down. I could place it around my arm to create a bracelet of crosses. Personal marks, or tattoos, forever on me. Burned. Reminders, maybe. Just maybe. If I choose so. I wouldn't say i'm christian. In fact, no. I'm not christian. But i'd be lying if I said I am not drawn by some of the aspects. I have my own ideas of how things go outside of our existence. Angels are beautiful beings, nonliving energy pure as a genuine parent's love. I believe in many gods. I believe some things about those gods. None of them have a name. Some of them don't have a face. I believe if that Jesus Christ is real he looks down upon me with disappointment. I look down on myself with disappointment as well. For shame, for shame. In so many ways have you failed. Think of your mothers, oh dear. How exasperated they are. This beautiful child they've raised has turned his back to them, and crawled down a dark path. Unsure if they'll ever see him again. After all they've done to ensure you have the gifts of life, you squander them like they're meaningless. PLEASE, please eradicate me I do not belong on this planet i am a disgrace to the beauty of this place, my mothers made this place and I don't deserve to be here any longer I am sick and I am vile, a stain on the beautiful tapestry. Please remove me, please take me away I am not fit to live among the other pitiful beings here for I am worse than the worst of them, my head is full of filth and my heart is rotten I have nothing left for me for as long as I stay living it will only continue to spread within me I am not a human being. I was a mistake. I love you so much but I am a danger to you, I cannot ever bring you true happiness I cannot fill your heart like I so want to, I was never meant to be with other people I am a plague and no matter how hard I try to love and care and shine, I try so hard to be a good person and I love everyone so much but I am a fraud, I am a lie, I do not deserve anything please take me away. there is something very wrong with me. I was born with a poison inside of me and it spreads and will not stop. I am a bad seed, i need thrown out before i infect anyone else. I need out. I need to be gone. I don't want to grow old I want to die I want to be done with this world. Please
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No one who is truly bad at heart questions their “Villany”. I don’t know you, I don’t know your situation. But it sounds like you are clearly having a very rough time. I’m also not Christian, to be honest I’m not sure I believe in any gods at all, as much as the idea appeals to me, I can’t get my head around it. But you have beliefs, I think that’s a good thing, but can maybe be a hindrance sometimes to. If you believe your gods are looking down on you in disappoint, maybe that’s just your feelings reflecting back.
As much as we screw up, I do think human life has worth, we’re not all bad. And we’re not all good. No one is. But the fact that you worried and distraught over your supposed “badness”- kind of proves that you’re not so bad.
Like I said, I don’t know you. I can’t comment enough to really try and help, but there will be people out there who love you, but first you got to love yourself. No one is all bad. And I don’t think for a second that you are
ReplyDo you know who Harry Styles is? He wears a silver cross too. All the time, I've never seen him without it.
You said you wanted to burn your skin as a reminder, but of what? Did you do something you're ashamed of? Something bad?
Do you think you did something unforgivable?
I know you didn't. I know you deserve better. I can tell just by all your words I just read.
Nothing is permanent. If it's true for the good things, it's true for the bad ones too. This isn't permanent.
If you feel like you're a disappointment, it confirms you're not, because it means you're trying to not disappoint anyone, and that's enough.
Your mothers. Go to them, hug them, tell them you're sorry, say you'll never leave again the way you did. They love you. They always have. Let them surprise you with how much they missed you.
Why would they miss you if you weren't someone good to be around? But they do, because you are someone good to be around.
You're not a mistake. No one is. I'm going slightly biological here, okay?
For someone to be born, first, fertilization has to take place in the mother's Reproductive tract. And I cannot tell how impossibly hard it is for the sperm to reach the ova. They have to deal with every single thing that could kill them - acidic environment, killer macrophage cells, heck, half of them get lost and never really reach even close to their destination.
You made it through that. There you are, just a tiny cell. You start to divide. 2 cells. 4. 16. In all these divisions ,there's a good chance something will go wrong and the forming embryo will degenerate. Happens all the time. But you made it through that too.
Implantation in the Uterus. So many pregnancies don't happen because of incorrect implantation. You made it through that too.
The 9 months, the birth. You're here.
Out of the fifty billion things that could've gone wrong, none of them did. You're here. Nothing went wrong. The making of you was as smooth as clockwork, not-one slip, not one misstep. And you think you're a mistake? No, you were meant to be here.
I'm growing up. I'm not even an adult yet. The scariest part of it is that I'm reposnsible for my life.
But that's also the best part. Because if I'm down in the deepest of ditches, if there's nowhere left to go but up, I know that only thing I need to go up is me. The only one you need to come out of this you.
If you feel like you're a waste, like you don't deserve to be here, you're wrong, but you can convince yourself.
Make yourself worthy
Do whatever you think you should do.
Help others. Be kind. Work hard. Write. Sing. Paint. Anything.
You're a beautiful person. You want to love others, you want to make them feel good , you care. That's how I define a good person atleast.
You are worthy of being here. You wouldn't have been born at all if it wasn't for a reason. You're here, you're beautiful, you're full of light and brightness and joy, don't mask it, don't cover it with these thoughts about yourself. Be around people who make you feel good about you.
You're not a stain on the tapestry. If you were, someone would've washed you off already. Maybe you're one of the beautiful, delicate golden threads just like the person you love, just like you're mothers, just like me. And you're meant to be here.
All the love, to the moon and to Saturn.
-Someone who thinks you're awesome
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