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Well it took almost two years but I have done it. As of yesterday, have lost 103 pounds. I met my huge goal of finally getting myself under 200 pounds.
I am now 197. A weight I have not been in 20 years. Today, I worked up the courage to try on the size 12 jeans I've dreamt of fitting into. The size 12 jeans I wore before I started gaining weight and didn't stop. And today, they fit. I sat in the fitting room in disbelief. I didn't want to take them off. I seriously wanted to wear them out of the store. I bought two pairs. It was a big moment. And then, guilt. Shame. Who the fuck am I to be proud of this? Who the fuck am I going to call? What am I going to do call my friend who is just beginning to lose weight and is an 18 and "gloat"? Then I thought, there is no one to call about this. Nowhere to celebrate. And why should I? Memories of the shame of putting on bigger sizes washed over me. Then the realization that I can now shop anywhere but my only friend can't. Then the memory of the last time I wore a 12. The memory of my mother reminding me that a 12 is the fat version of a normal sized woman. The shame of that size and every size after. Then the realization that I have no idea what I look like. Am I ugly? I don't even know who I am. I simply know I've never felt beautiful a day in my life. And now I know I can't let go of these size 12 jeans because I both love them and am ashamed of myself for loving them. I know no one gives a shit about what size jeans I wear but today, I feel like the 100 pounds I used to hide my fear and pain had left me. The 12 jean sizes that hid me are gone. I am naked again. And I can see myself in the mirror again. Joy, fear, shame, guilt... I am bare. Will the world love me for me? How do I just be? Will they accept it? Can I just figure out who that is again? Is that okay? I'm absolutely terrified.
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Congratulations!! That is a huge achievement, and you have every right to feel proud of yourself.
ReplyIt's not my business but congratulations on your weight loss, you reached your goal. That is a wonderful accomplishment. It's okay to feel beautiful. It sounds like you're torn between being proud of your accomplishment, but also having empathy for your friend who is struggling and just now starting to lose their weight.
For those of us who struggle with weight, it's a daily thing. It's not just physical, it's emotional and mental. You can be proud of yourself and of your wonderful accomplishment which, I have to say is awesome...and also still have empathy for your friend who's just starting to lose the weight. You can tell your friend. Your friend will be proud of you. I mean, everyone internalizes stuff differently but chances are your friend will see your accomplishment as an example that the goal is achievable. Your friend will be happy for you.
If I never saw anyone lose weight, if I thought it wasn't possible then I would just give up trying. So I actually feel good when I hear about others meeting goals because it lets me know it's possible and I like to see happy people.
Beauty isn't just what our body, the vessel we travel around in, looks like... beauty is what our heart is and how we see the world, how we treat others, our internal beauty. And it sounds like you're very beautiful based on your words here, because they're filled with kindness and empathy. I think you should hear it's okay to feel beautiful. It's okay to feel accomplished. It's okay to feel good about yourself.
It's your special moment. Give yourself permission to enjoy it. Treat yourself to the new jeans. Wear them and feel good about wearing them. Let yourself love yourself and remember to be good to yourself. I don't know you but I think you should treat yourself well because a kind heart like yours based on your writing has a lot of kindness. You seem like you are a good person. :)
ReplyThank you. 😊
I had no idea weight loss would be this hard. They don't tell you that your weight is like a security blanket. It's scary to take it off and be seen. I hope I can be supportive of my friend as she loses her weight and I figure myself out. It's challenging. Best of luck to you.
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