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I need someone's advice on this. Right now, I have this desire to completely heal from my past but don't know how to start. I have developed low self-esteem, low confidence, and an ugly view of myself because I was kinda sexually harassed when I was a child. It was not a one time moment, but it went on for years. And even now that I am an adult, I find it hard to set boundaries for myself and almost always fail to protect myself. People who know me may see me as someone living 'normally'. I mean, I seem happy and all, I enjoy having people around me. But all of it are just to mask what I really feel. I hate it that I have so much trust issues that I cannot make meaningful relationships. Relationships come and go. I tend to cut off communication with people because I fear that they may not like me when they get to know me more. I hate this cycle. I still cry about this whenever I remember how much this has impacted my life. I just want to heal from this and move on.
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Hai there, I hear you. Im not sure where are you from. But I'm pretty sure both of us must be from the corners of the world. I had the same thoughts and feelings as u do. Trust me, our childhood traumas will resurface back to our adult life and screw up few aspects of our lives. Example: relationship, anger issues, etc. I was so sick if it too. Going to therapy is expensive and considered a taboo in my society. So, I put a hold on that idea. If you're like me, i would suggest you to take a book or a piece of paper. Start with your earliest memory that you could remember. List down every event that you feel that led up to how you're feeling right now. Trust me. It may sound too easy. But when you start writing, that's when you'll discover that there are other things / events that hidden as well. Then, start by writing down the events that led to that trauma you are having. It can be overwhelming at times. But the strongest support that you have for yourself right now is YOU. The moment you put all your thoughts in writing, trust me, you can feel your burden has reduced a bit. You can think clearly and you know the next course of action ie therapy, talking to a friend, support group, meditation etc.
Just remember that you are not alone in this. Sending my love and support wherever you are.
ReplyHey, thank you for hearing me out. Even the fact that someone listened to me relieved me somehow. I will definitely try mapping my thoughts just as you suggested. It scares me but I am hopeful that it could help me face my fears.
And also, I don't know what you have been through but please know that I am also rooting for you. Cheers to healing!
ReplyMaybe you have a friend that has a good place to get help and there are the smartest, knowledgeable, and good men (or women) there that would help you. Maybe you could just go with your friend who is going this morning, lol.
ReplyWhy is women in brackets. Are they an afterthought?
ReplyFirst of all I want to congratulate you and tell you that you should be proud of yourself for being so self aware and wanting better for yourself. You may think you don't protect yourself, but even wanting more and wanting help is you protecting yourself. It is so normal for our trauma to impact our lives in ways we are not happy with, you're already partially there in terms of healing just by identifying some ways how it effects you. My advice would be to seek help in a therapist. They will help you learn tools to filter through your trauma, identify the ways it hinders you in life, and give you tools to combat it. If you have medical insurance, look at whether your insurance covers therapy. Tell them that your are struggling with depression and want to work through traumatic events that have happened in your life. I empathize and relate to you because I am going through the exact same situation right now and everything you said I have also struggled with/felt, and being in therapy even just for a couple months (every two weeks under my insurance) has really helped me a lot. I know what it's like to be the type of person that just bottles up my problems and seems resilient and strong to everyone else, but really is just not comfortable with my emotions. You deserve better, you deserve to be healthy. Prioritize yourself, prioritize your health and hobbies, take yourself on dates, cut out people in your life that you feel on edge around, spend more time with your friends, maybe stop dating for a little while. I believe in you, you have the strength to get better for yourself. You got this, I am rooting for you and hope your journey to find peace is fulfilling and you can be gentle with yourself.
ReplyThank you! You made me realize that wanting to get better is part of the healing process. Hmm...I was kinda doubtful about therapy at first because being vulnerable in front of other people is tasking for me and I admire those who can openly talk about what they feel. Nonetheless, I will definitely look at this option. Rooting for you too <3
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