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I am the type of person that rushes time. I hate when things feel like they are going too slow, or when I have to wait for something. It eats away at me. I constantly check the clock during school and look at a calendar, counting down the days until I have another break or some important thing is coming up. But once the break comes I want time to slow down. I want more time to relax and to be alone. I have heard the phrase "time flies when you're having fun". That is surely true to me. When break comes I don't want it to end. This spring break I've spent so much time watching videos and writing fake stories and stupid things like that. I feel like I can't sit still, and that I need to be actively doing something. Break is almost over for me and I feel like I haven't had a break. I feel like I'm wasting time. I've been re-listing the hot 100 billboard songs, coming up with fake people and personas, reading religious texts I don't even follow, and struggling to sleep and calm down. I feel like I waste so much time. Time used to seem like it was going to slow. Now I'm looking back at my childhood friends doing just fine without me, spying on them through Facebook, realizing that time goes by way too fast to pretend to be a radio jockey when I've got a project to do that's due next week. This was just a stupid rant but let me know what I can do to help myself. Life seems like it has been going by at a speed way too high for me. I've gained interest in so many things that aren't worth my time and effort. Does anybody else feel overworked but then create fake tasks when they have time off? I can barely think about spring cleaning or doing my stupid history project now that I'm so invested in these fake lives I've made to stay busy. Please help. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life doing idiotic and childish things. Help.
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I could be wrong but, if I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like you find ways to keep yourself busy when you have free time but, when that free time comes to an end, you look back at the activities you engaged in during that break and regret it.
If you don't have one already, I'd suggesting finding yourself a hobby. This could be tinkering with remote control vehicles, painting pictures on canvas, playing video games, playing board games (some advanced board games take a long time to play and, even better, can be played with a single player - based on your story, you may really be interested in "Mansions of Madness" as it has a role play sense to it), etc.
When you have free time, you can use this hobby as a way to fill in some of that gap. Look at the video I have from flying my RC plane this weekend. Let me tell you about this cool video game I just started playing. Check out the progress I made on this large painting I've been working on. I can't wait to teach you how to play this cool board game with you this weekend.
With a hobby there to fill your time, you may look back at the finished break and be pleased with your choice of activities, the progress you made, etc.
I also don't think it's a waste of time to just do something that you might typically, or that others would, find silly. Many years ago, just quite out of no where, I decided I wanted to try writing with one of those fancy ink pens. I have no clue how this came to me. I watched a few videos on these pens that afternoon and I think, by the end of the following day, I had purchased one. It was expensive and I had never owned such a thing or even cared to have one. When it arrived, I had fun filling it up and playing with the strokes on the paper in different ink colors. Many years later, I still write with these pens nearly every single day.
While you are treating these activities as a waste of time, it's actually a window in which you're being very creative. From this, you may find yourself a hobby or a skill that you're really good at that could be adapted to a job or career path.
Not many folks have this issue but, like you, I feel strange if I'm not staying busy. When I relax, I enjoy it in the moment but typically regret it later thinking I've wasted that time. I watched a two hour movie that was just OK but I could have, during that time, cut the grass instead. Things like that happen to me all the time.
I've gotten better about letting this stuff go though. My wife, for one, is the opposite so she forces me to unplug and relax pretty regularly. That's a help. Also, I just started realizing that there is a long list of things to get done but you'll likely never actually reach the end of the list. By the time you get near the bottom, it'll be time to cut the grass again, take out the garbage again, etc. When you can accept the fact that you can't "finish", it's easier to enjoy that time off. I have trouble with this myself but I'm much, much better about it now. Still could be better for me but I am doing much better.
I hope that you will soon start appreciating just how creative you seem to be and that you'll find a hobby, or some other activity, that you can use to fill up some of your free time. If you find yourself also too focused on things that need to be done, just make a list and prioritize those. Work on the most important stuff first and remember to get that break in every once in a while.
Good Luck!
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