I don't know what to say.

How do I even explain? My emotions and all my feelings seem to be all over the place. Sometimes I get filled with such an extreme, intense sense of happiness and hope, then it fades off and the depression sets in. I live all my days obeying to all these compulsions and obsessions my mind tells me to do- even though popping my joints and cracking my wrists four times again and again eventually hurt me- otherwise I'll have a panic attack induced by no rational reason at all (Maybe I should get an OCD diagnosis). I have almost zero clue on who I am or who I want to be- even though it's been that way for about a year atleast. I have such a horrible memory, especially about the things that happened pre-covid. Do I even have enough good memories to look back on? All the ones I think about first either embarrass me or make me upset. Negative, all negative.

And my hormones must be acting up. Puberty has been so fucking odd, I just want it to end already. My mind can't make up what emotions I feel, especially when it comes to attraction and physical touch. Once I was talking to a group of people and I happened to sit next to a boy. I'm not even attracted to him or any boys for that matter, yet I still wondered, "What would happen if I put my head on his shoulder?" Or another time, some of my classmates were hugging and holding hands as a joke. All I could think was, "Why do I want her to do that to me?" Even though I've never been a fan of physical touch, I still crave it somehow. I even had a dream I was holding hands with someone. They had no distinct features and reflected no real person, but I do remember feeling all warm and a bit embarrassed. I think we were sitting in one of my classes.

That's another thing as well, my dreams have always been weird, but they do get a bit distressing sometimes. Once I had a dream where I was having a panic attack, and I went for my mom for help, yet she ignored me. Now that I think about it, I've had several dreams about the way others see and treat me. Like being naked in public, or for some reason going to the bathroom a lot. I have a lot of school-related dreams as well. Sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming when I know I'm awake, or maybe a better way to describe it would be that everything will all of a sudden feel unreal, or that I don't exist. It happened once during gym, and I tried to explain to my friend what was going on. They thought it must've been derealization. I ended up getting light-headed and had an anxiety attack so I had to sit out for the rest of the period.