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Things have not gone well in my marriage, and, I have been crushed at being unable to have the fullness of what I hoped for marriage in this life. After going from Christian counselor to Christian counselor, none of them could give me any encouragement that was substantial enough to make me want to continue living. For me, my spouse is supposed to be everything - my entire reason for being. I am created to be his help mate - and so to have a spouse that has married video games and spiderman and legos - and shares none of my spiritual convictions, and desires nothing that I desire spiritually - has been hard. It is not as bad as some other women have it - with men who abandon their wives, or beat them, but the spiritual isolation is crushing. It's unbearable actually, and has been for quite some time.
Reading over and over again "there is no marriage in heaven" - basically shot out from under me the last underpinning of hope for something worthwhile eternally. I know it isn't right or Biblical, but the Swendensborg version of what happens to us after death in heaven was actually the most helpful thing I've heard in my life, second only to Salvation from sin through Christ. Thinking of an afterlife without a personal, all-mine only-for-me "soul mate" would basically render that place a disappointment. Without having a real husband, it just couldn't be heaven for me. So listening to his speech - however deluded - on what happens in the afterlife, gave me enough hope to keep living. It actually presented something truly "desirable" and worth enduring this hell for.
And that would be the hope of an eternity in the presence of God *with* a soul mate spiritual husband. When I think about this, it gives me sufficient strength to deal with the entirety of this life.
Finally, a husband who I can worship, revere, and hold in the highest esteem, like a priest in heaven. Finally, a husband who really actually deeply wants to be with me, is joyous to have me, to have invested conversations with me, and...I can only hope, children. Finally a husband who wants me to be a "woman" and not a man-like woman, who would value femininity, for whom I am really something, something valuable, loved, who *enjoys* being with me. Someone who I can laugh with, who can encourage me, and love me deeply. Someone to spend ALL OF ETERNITY WITH.
Someone who has no low level interests, and who is spiritually higher and more beautiful than me in everyway, whom I can worship forever and ever. It would be so great to have a soul mate such as this.
I can endure all the loneliness, pain, suffering, and loss of this world *if only* I could have *that*. I could even be like that woman I met today, who lost all of her teeth and works at a fast food facility. Because I would finally have what I most wanted - a wonderful eternal spiritual husband, with an eternal family, and eternal babies, forever and ever.
Truly nothing on Earth could compare to that.
I just don't want to lose the hope of that. I don't want to lose the hope of having that "reward". Truly if I lost that, I would have lost everything.
I want to realign everything in my life, every action, word, expression, behavior, and though process and belief, such that I might not lose that.
Imagining this is my only solace or conception of heaven.
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