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I remember always being invisible. Even as a kid I was only noticed to be made fun of. Called ugly or stupid or have them threaten to kill my beloved cats. Children were cruel I knew that. I never fit in anywhere. The other children with their snotty entitlement acted like they were more interesting than watching spit dissolve on hot concrete on a summer day. I can easily say I hated all of them. The racist stupid teachers who acted like they knew what they were doing. So in this I became the ugly funny fat friend. To be noticed. No one knew that the huge bleeding bruise on my face was from my mom and not my brothers. I was so alone and crying for help and no one helped me. I was that forever. Even when I lost weight people had to remind me how ugly I was. It made feel like I was back to being a insecure little girl who would scratch off the skin of her face to help her cope with her brother’s bullying her to the point she hid in the closet. Or her mother telling her how much she hated her. This world and those who lived in it. Have made me feel so ugly. So like I said I become funny over the top. I said crazy or did outlandish things. School didn’t matter and I barely tried or cared. I was too anxious to try. That little girl became a women. A ugly women. That still no one cared about. No matter how much I tried I never mattered. I hate my life. I still hate being alive. I’ve tried counseling everything. This world just wasn’t meant for me to live in.
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Hey I cannot even imagine how hard it is for you to live this way ... but from my prospective you are a really strong person... you have gone through bullying , racism, body shaming and I know there must even many mote things than this which one cannot express through words, but you still survived it all , even though that little kid was afraid she still managed to bear all the harsh things in her life... you even managed to loose weight which requires so much determination but you still managed to do it , it's not easy to be a funny one out of all the people but look at you , you can even do that ... but I feel like all this time what you have been doing is for others validation... but you really don't need that , trust me ... people are mean most of the time without any reason,and that doesn't mean that something is wrong with you , it's them who needs counseling not you ... they like to judge everyone without even knowing them , If you are pretty they'll assume you must be really rude and must have a bad attitude, If they think you are ugly they'll immediately start thinking lowly of you , without even realizing that the same person could be way much better than them at so many things , forget about better at anything they'll simply be nice to you if they need you and the other time they would probably treat you like shit ..
If you gain weight then you are fat to them and if you loose weight they'll say ohh look she is trying way too hard to be like someone and if you somehow after all this still manage to loose weight they'll say ohh but you still don't look that pretty.... trust me it the toxic people around you , you are perfectly fine girl... trust me I would really love to have a friend who is so strong just like you ....
So all I want to say don't take those people seriously,they are TOXIC and those kind of people are good for nothing, they only love to put you down ....Don't care what others thinks about you, doesn't matter what others say you , yourself should know that no one is perfect but still you should embrace yourself, if noone treats you nicely , you yourself need to be that person to treat yourself nicely and please be more confident and independent... as soon as you become independent you really need to get yourself away from those toxic people because they ain't Changing themselves unless they need something from you ... Being independent should be your first priority because after that there is no one who you would need to depend on ... then what are they gonna do to you ... maybe they still can say stuff like but you still are ugly and blah blah blah tell them less ugly then your personality I guess .... Don't let anybody bring you down ... you go shine and shut those idiots off
( sorry if I got too ahead of myself 😅
But I know you got this 💜)
Replymy life is like yours. The only difference is that I learned how to love myself. Yes, it took years but I'm the woman I want to be now. I won't let the past haunt me. And as sure as hell I will never ever let other people than me define my worth. If you're so fixated on how it's not for you, you never will truly live. Life is for everyone-one has shorter and one longer. But everyone has a chance. Try being happy and try loving yourself. Don't look at other people LOOK AT YOU goddamit.
Replyi dont want to sound overly optimistic, but, judging from how you express through writing, the way you express all those feelings you've been carrying since childhood, i can only say one thing: you're a really intelligent person. Also, i read a couple of times that you think you're ugly. Trust me, you're not. I may not know you, but i remember i once read that ''our appearance is our soul's ideal of beauty''. And i know that the world wasn't meant for you. This world is cruel. You were meant for a better world than this one. But remember: beauty hides in little things. I hope this helped :) Remember, there is at least one person out there who admires you. Perhaps more than one person.
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