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I envy people who are happy, not just momentarily, but genuinely happy with living. To be honest, I’m not even sure if these people exist. Because for me living has always been a chore and it's hard to imagine anyone ever actually liking whatever I'm experiencing right now. It's not like I have a bad life, I have many privileges. I'm fine. I don't dislike living, I have just never found it appealing. I guess I just thought there would be more, you know?
I don't really have a purpose, I'm just existing. I'd rather not be existing, but there's nothing I can really do about it without hurting people around me and I don't want to ever do that. It's not like I can really talk about these thoughts with the people close to me without hurting them either, because how do you tell the person who gave you life that you don't want it? So this is my outlet.
It's pretty much always been like this too. I'm 20 now, and I cannot name many moments where I've been really happy, like genuinely happy. Even my childhood seems grey. Everything seems too neutral. At this point I don't even know what happiness is. But don't worry about me, I'll just continue to live my life, because in the end I'm fine.
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Totally relate. I don't know what true happiness is either. Maybe one day we will experience it. Stranger things have happened.
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