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This month, I learned that its okay to cut off all the toxic people in your life even your family if they are no longer good for your mental health.
Ever since I was in highschool, I always have this dark twisted thoughts. My head always keep putting my self-esteem down the ground by telling myself that I am not enough and I will never be good enough.
My thoughts have always been so negative that there is a phase in my life when I am no longer empathetic and can no longer feel any sort of emotions. There's just this big hole in my heart and I don't even know when I where that came from and when I started being like this. When did I ever start having these negative thoughts? I grew up as a happy kid who loves to be friends with everyone, so what now?
I also entered into romantic relationships. They all started so sweet and ended so bitter. They were all abusive whether its physical, emotional or psychological. And it was always me who's the abusive one. And when they ask me why I do things I always regret afterwards, I just remain silent. Not even knowing the answer to that.
I also tried seeking for help. Been to a therapist and she asked me the very same question "Why do you have anger management issues? Why are you abusive? Why do have such mindset? Where did all those come from?"
And yeah, my reaction is the same. I still don't know the answer to that.
Three months before this month, I stayed with my boyfriend's place (who's now my ex boyfriend) for a short while. His family are so nice to me even though I am not biologically related to them. They always check up on me. Ask if I already ate or where I am going whenever I go out. Ask if I am okay or even listen to me whenever I have troubles at work.
They were nice but since my boyfriend and I have unresolved issues in our relationship. We decided to go separate ways.
I went home after that. Go on a short vacation with my family. After that I had a heated argument with my sister.
I have a cat that I really love and that night he went missing which is not so him to do. I ask my family to always check whenever they go out in case my cat follow them. I was so worried that when they told me to cage him (which I never really do), I burst out and told them that he isn't always like that. Its just that he's too stress with all the noise they are making.
Right there and then they laughed at me and called me things like I'm not in my right mind for acting that way for just a cat and that I am abnormal for treating the cat like a child.
Then it struck me. My whole life flashed before me as tears fell from my eye. I remembered everything I went through and I finally found the answer as to why I changed from that gleeful little girl into this rotten adult.
Ever since I was a child, my Mom would always compare me to my sisters. Regardless of how much I study to ramp up my grades, I never heard that she's proud of me. All she could say was "Is that all you can do?" There was also a time when I had an argument with my older sister, my Mom got so mad that she tried to strangle me and told me to die. She even told me that the reason why my sisters don't like me is because I was such a sorry excuse for a human.
As for my second older sister, she always go on her way to bully me whenever she had a chance. During the phase when I am still learning and building my own view of who I am, she filled me with insults. Calling me stupid and useless. Always laughing at me whenever I am struggling. And always calling me names.
As for my third older sister, I've always been invisible to her. She only acknowledges my presence in two cases: (1) when I am getting bullied by my second older sister and (2) Whenever she gets irritated with me giving more financial contributions or when I did something she didnt like. She always made me feel disrespected by always rolling her eyes on me, ignoring me when I ask her questions and throwing a tantrum whenever I am near her.
As for my parents, they never corrected my sisters. They only watch and let me deal with everything.
All my life I tried my best to turn things around. I have this thought that maybe if I am no longer useless and I can provide for them, maybe just maybe they will stop treating me like garbage. So I studied hard and became an achiever. Whenever I get an appraisal or promotion, I always treat them to dinner out. Every occassion, I showered them with expensive gifts. Even though I dont agree to some things they like, I just suck it up and let them have their way. I avoided all the disagreements and did all the favors and give them things they ask for.
For a while it went okay, but whenever I am having moments when I cant control my mood and have a disagreement with them, they would then again start insulting me and calling me names.
And whenever that happen, I just went off and cool down then come back home right after.
I tolerated all the abuse they did, emotionally and psychologically. I get used to it to the point that it looks normal to me. I even forgotten that all of that happened some time in my life and has always been hard on myself thinking that I dont even deserve to live.
I've only realized it when I stayed at my boyfriend's home. Only then I realized how toxic my family were and that they never show any sort of interest or concern.
So yeah, what I did is rent an apartment somewhere far. Packed my things and left. I cut off all sorts of communications with them.
After 25 long years, I am finally choosing myself. After 25 long years, I am putting myself above all else. After 25 long years, I've decided to love myself first before anyone else.
Leaving my family is the most painful decision I had ever made, however that decision also took off all the burden in my shoulders and thorns in my heart. It was painful, but I never felt so relieved. I can finally breathe now.
In addition to that, making this decision showed me the people who really care for me. My colleagues who help me find a place to rent, my three friends who supported me and visited me here whenever they feel like I need some company, my oldest sister who never fail to make me feel how much she loves me, my father who helped me move and after a long time, finally listened to all of my pains and troubles and my last ex boyfriend who frequently checks on me and reminds me that he'll always be there to be with me through the tough times.
So yeah, this month I learned how to cut off the toxic people in life.
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You deserve the love that you are giving yourself. I can feel the hope in your message. Good luck on your journey!
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