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A friend of mine (S) recently started dating another friend of mine (D). For right now I'm calling D a friend just to make writing this more simple but in reality he's just a.... relatively close acquaintance. I only know him because of someone else. I've been friends with S for almost 3 years now so I'd say I know her pretty well.
I've noticed that S gets all reserved and quiet whenever D comes around. For example one time it was me, her, and someone else all talking when D showed up and joined the conversation. S stopped talking, looked VERY uncomfortable, and was just staring at the floor the rest of the time. It was weird because she's always talkative.
Whenever I see S and D together, S always looks like she's about to cry. Whenever he gets close to her she's always leaning away. It's like she doesn't even want to be around him at all. I don't know how to explain it that well but I just think something is wrong. To me D seems controlling and like he's gaslighting her at times. S has told me some things that he's done and said and it concerns me. She's also not as lively as she used to be before she started dating him. I don't know how to bring any of this up to her but I should right? Even if all I can do is give advice. I want to ask about how things are going and if everything is okay but I don't want to be weird about it lol.
My main concern, aka the reason I'm posting this, is that a few days ago S and I were talking and she said she was stressed out because D kept asking her to "do stuff" and even after she said no he kept pestering her about it. She didn't tell me what stuff she was talking about, but let's be real here, I know what she meant. It was obvious and painfully awkward to hear her talk about it. I wanted to ask her questions about that but I didn't want to be nosey or anything so I didn't. Also I'm a boy so I don't know if she'd be comfortable talking about that with me.... cringe. I still kind of wish I had asked questions..
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You can tell her your concerns but it is really up to her as to what she does in this relationship. Maybe she doesn't really like D and is dating him because it is the fashion to have a boy friend. It is an idea that you ask her about this and if it is true explain to her why their dating isn't a good idea. But it is really up to her.
ReplyIf you're able to, I would ask something like "how's it going with D?" - or, if that's too direct, make it more open like "how's everything going, you alright?" You can say she seems more reserved than usual and you just wanted to check in. If she lets the conversation come around to her relationship, you can go a little deeper and say you're concerned about some things. If not, don't push too hard in case you make her defensive. The relationship is her choice; ultimately she needs you there as a friend just in case she does decide at some point that she wants out of the relationship; she needs to have someone she trusts on-side. You can always end the conversation with "well, if you need anything, you know I'm always here" or something like that - make sure she knows you're giving her space to make her own choices, but you'll be there anyway to catch her if she falls.
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