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I can't seem to understand why i'm feeling this way, but at the same time.. the answer is obvious. It's my parents. They're unfair and verbally abusive towards me and my siblings, and i can't help but to cry everytime i think about it because there's nothing i can do. And then i also think about how people have it far worse than me and i feel like im being dramatic, but at the same time i know im not. I wish there was free online therapy or somehting because i have so much built up emotion that even my teachers and classmates are noticing a change in my behavior and i hate it. I wish i could get help and leave. Im not diagnosed, nor do i want to be diagnosed, but i just know if i were to see someone they would diagnose me with depression. My dad keeps telling me there's something wrong with me because im always on edge and that i need to see somone, but i literally can't because i dont have the money to pay for that especially since im only a sophmore in highschool. He doesnt understand that he's one of the main causes to why i am the way i am. And me saying that does not mean im bad, i mean that im apparently always looking either mad or down according to my family and peers. I am treated unfairly and un kindly here. My friends have witnessed some of the things that go on while being around, and have suggested many times that i tell someone what's going on, and have suggested they get their parents to do something for me, but i always tell them no because im too scared of what might happen if i do. Me and my siblings could be split up, or worse.. CPS doesnt beleive us and agrees with my parents because SOMEHOW the adults always win, and that's not fair, they have an advantage of just being older, people always beleive the eldest amongst whoever is speaking. Today i was fed up and finally went to talk to someone about it. I chose my coach since she's pulled me in a few times previously because of the constant visible change in my behavior. I'm kind of scared it might have been a mistake because i don't know what i want to come out of this. All i know is that i want to live a normal life like all of my friends who get disaplined normally and for normal things. This whole time i've been typing has just been like an outline of it all, and i haven't even gone into detail. I noticed that i have a problem when it comes to that. When i want to tell someone or they tell me to give an example, i never know what to say, I basically loose all conciousness of my brain. I hate when that happens because i feel like the person im talking to is gonna start thinking im lying, or just saying it for attention.
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For what it's worth, here's a website that you might find helpful: https://www.7cups.com/
It's not exactly counselling, but it's free so in my opinion it'd be worth trying. Best of luck to you, my friend:)
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