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I bet he’s living his best life without consequences, while I’m here, crippled by just the memory of it
2 years ago · 2 · Need Advice, +5
576
when it happened, I just froze. it all was happening too fast. I told this man, who was 6 years older than me (I was 16 at the time), that I had a crush on him. He kissed me. That was my first kiss. I did not want him to kiss me, despite the fact that I had a crush on him. I did not want it. but he did it. I wasn’t expecting it either. He kissed my neck at first. then when I turned to ask him what he was doing, he gripped my head and put his tongue down my throat. I felt like crying not just because what he was doing hurt me, but because he had ruined my first kiss. that wasn’t what I wanted. then, he rubbed his…parts against me. I felt so disgusting and dirty and rotten and embarrassed. He kept doing that to me any chance he got and told me it was how he expressed his love for me back. After my initial shock, I tried to slow things down for myself and I think at one point I had convinced myself it was love. I had actually believed his words, that it was love. oh how wrong I was. and how sickening it feels to recall those memories. I’ve suppressed them for so long. It’s been more than a year since I’ve last seen him, but I still get really terrible panic attacks whenever I’m in public spaces or surrounded by too many people because I’m scared he’ll come back again and he’ll be in the crowd and could easily take advantage of me again. More importantly, I’m scared that the experience with him has warped my perception of love and what it’s supposed to be and I hate him and myself for it. I’ve just recently started to open up to people about it. Some people are telling me to just forgive him and move on because the hate is consuming me too much that it’s weighing me down. Some people are telling me to report it and get justice. I don’t even know what to do or how to feel.
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Regarding what to do, it's a personal choice. If you think it'll help you get closure, report it. If you feel like that'll just keep it on your mind and make it real again, then try and move forward. Remember, also, that forgiveness doesn't mean their action was okay - it means you're ready to be free of it. It's something you do for yourself, not for anyone else. I hope this helps you somehow.
ReplyWe're sorry to hear about your experience. It's horrible that anyone has to go through so much physical and mental anguish.
If you haven't figured this out yet, what he was doing wasn't love. This is not a game where the man says, "There, I've kissed you and touched you with my "magic wand", we're now in love." Nope, sorry, that's not how this works. I've heard to many stories of people using that tactic to take advantage of folks, children even, who have never experienced love. We all know it's supposed to be good and meaningful. Predators use this to their advantage by doing what they will to their victims while, at the same time, proclaiming it's love and, because what I'm doing to you is love, you should be Ok with it because, after all, love is a good thing, right? It seems all to easy. Your story sounds just about the same.
Now that a man has taken advantage of you this way, it may be hard for you to let go and be yourself when you start flirting, dating, etc. again. This guy has caused you to live in fear. He is, in that way, a monster and it could be that you now think all men are monsters. I don't think you need to bring it up on a first day, or maybe even a second, but if you ever find yourself getting close to someone, you may actually want to discuss this with them so you two can talk about moving forward with the relationship in ways that you can be comfortable. Maybe you simply take it slower, fewer dates less often, less contact, no surprise visits, no physical contact, etc. And, when you get ready to cross the bridge and engage in physical contact, maybe you'll need to set some boundaries there too. It could be that you have a list of ten things you're not willing to do or even try but, given enough time and seeing that this other person has been respectful, courteous, and helpful to you, you may find yourself being able to relax enough to discuss trying some of these things. If you don't like them, simply don't do them again, or at least not for a long, long time. If you enjoy it, great, keep that one on the list of things to do again sometime.
But those are notes for you when you have a new guy. What about the old guy? I'm afraid none of us can help you make a decision there.
I know we're missing many of the details but, from your story, it sounds like you're really suffering from this and, just knowing that he's still out there, is scary to you. That said, I would report this. We can't guarantee that anything will actually happen but the authorities can certainly get your information and give you advice on next steps. If you don't do anything, I'm afraid he'll always be out there and, if he is, you may always be afraid and that's no way to live.
We're all wishing you the very best and hope that, in time, you'll heal.
Good Luck!
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