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It’s like the stars sent me a gift; you. Brought you into my life and then laughed in my face because they knew you’d never be mine and I’d never get to be yours meaning I’d be stuck living this dumb, heart-wrenching fantasy, hoping that one day things will change. Your feelings will change. They’ll change and I’ll be a better version of myself. A version you could, just for a moment, love back.
I don’t expect you to understand any of this or understand how I’m feeling but I just want you to know. To know that if forever was mine, I’d wait for you. But, it’s not and I know I need to move on because you don’t love me. I’ve been sat here laughing over you for hours and hours when all I want to do is cry. Sob until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The truth is, I’ll continue to love you for my whole life. When the years move on and our paths don’t cross anymore I’ll still think about you. My eyes heavy, just before I fall asleep. A second a day, that’s all I’ll give myself to remember. I won’t know what you’re doing but I’ll be hoping you’ve got a family and you truly are content because the only measure of my love for you is your happiness. Even if it isn’t with me. No matter how much this hurts and how long it hurts for I’ll still keep those few precious memories we have together. Keep them stored away like the glory in the grandmothers linen box. Those precious smiles you gave for me and only me. I’ll always remember you. I hope your dreams come true. I’ll be watching for that wonderful tooth gap smile, adorable glasses, dazzling blue eyes you get lost in. Watching for you in Hollywood. In the Hollywood stars and the ones above us both. The stars that will forever remember; remind me that I had the pleasure of living life at the same time as you. I’m still yours. Tomorrow. Next week. In 20 years. Always. Call me if the stars have decided to apologise. I love you.
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I feel exactly the same way about someone, so I completely understand what it's like. Funny thing is, you somewhat described me physically. If only, hey! ;)
But in all seriousness, that was beautifully written and I particularly relate to the lines "if forever was mine, I’d wait for you. But it’s not" - and the last few sentences. I wish we could end up together but ultimately I know he's happy, and that's what matters above all else. He already knows I think the world of him; I just hope I've proven by now that I'll always care, and be there if ever he needs anything.
ReplyThank you for your comment! Feeling a little less alone knowing someone feels very similarly to how I do. Yes exactly, in the end I also only want what’s best for him and he also knows how I feel. Sometimes we have to go through hard things in life. Ups and downs, that’s what makes everything so beautiful. Tragic yes, but beautiful. I’m glad I met him because he taught me how to love. ❤️
Hope you’re managing and feeling alright.
ReplyExactly. I'd just like to pass on some wisdom I received from a friend when I was feeling particularly upset about it: "just think that you're privileged to have met him, and to know him, and to have found a love in someone that's perfect". That changed how I thought about it, because I realised suddenly that I can either think about what it's cost me or what it's given me. And knowing someone like him is such a gift, I will be forever grateful that the universe allowed us this close even for a short time.
I'm coping alright for now, but soon we part ways as I'm probably moving to a different country over the summer. While I'm dreading not seeing him again, i'm also excited to see what kind of long-distance friendship we might be able to strike up. Because I truly believe I can keep him in my life forever - although maybe not the way I would ideally want, we've become too close to lose this through something as insignificant as proximity. I hope you understand and sorry for my little vent, I just needed to get this out somewhere.
ReplyThank you for those words! That really helped actually. I think that you two clearly have a strong bond and friendship and that you will definitely still stay long distance friends. And although, yes, you may not be able to have the romantic relationship you want with him you’ll still be able to share laughs and stories and a deep connection. You’ll still get to know that you got to love someone so special. No need to apologise for the vent, hear to listen anytime!
ReplyThank you for your reply! That's exactly the situation I'm hoping for; it would be beyond a privilege to keep him in my life, in any way. The hard part for me is that I can feel that he does love me, somehow, it's just that our circumstances never aligned in a way that would allow us to try 'us'.
I hope you can also reach an outcome where you get to keep your person in your life? If you want to, that is. I understand that sometimes it's too painful to stay friends at all.
ReplyThat really is difficult and I’m sorry that you’re situations and life pathways never got to align in the way you want them too. I promise you will find someone though. Even though we don’t know each other just by talking to you I can tell you’re very wise and have a beautiful soul. I wish you all the best! 🌸
I’m not really sure wether I will stay close with him, I’ll have to see how life goes. Life takes its own course and I’m not going to try to force anything anymore. That’s what ruined the possibility of us in the first place. Mistakes were made and I’ve hated myself and regretted my actions for too long. It’s time to move on and stop blaming anyone. Sometimes things happen and there’s no one to blame as much as I want to.
❤️
Replythnk u.
Reply