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Sometimes, when I do something wrong and I know it's wrong, I really can't stand it when someone scolds me for it. If it's once, it's fine. Because I did make the mistake, and ai own up to it. But is it really necessary to say it multiple times? Does it really need to be rubbed in?
Sigh it's just that I forget to print some documents for my uni this one time. The expiry date already passed and to print it, I need to go to the office and ask the clerk if they can print it for me. It's fine it they scold me once, I deserve it. But when they keep pushing it, saying things like "why didn't you print it earlier, yeah, go on keep procrastinating" "you wouldn't have to do this if you printed it earlier", etc they're all the same thing but different wording. Sometimes, they even just straight up repeat the same thing.
When this happens, I just have this very strong urge to hit myself. My mom always hit me when I did something wrong. And as I got older, my mom is not allowed to hit me anymore (in her words, religion won't allow it). Since she can't hit me, she always just yells and yells and yell. This just made me believe that she's yelling because she couldn't hit me so she's expressing her anger through yelling. I hate her shrieks so I always just hit myself for her. She stopped yelling after that first a while then sent me away(she also sent me to an exorcist lol waste of money because they're frauds but That's besides the point)
So this habit(?) Stuck with me and when someone scolds me more than once(repeating the same thing) I just hit myself. I hit myself. It hurts ofc. But it also brings me... A sense of comfort?
I normally have good tolerance (to not hit myself) but sometimes, depending on how I feel at the time, if I was on my period, or if I just had a bad day, I just can't help it. It hit myself.
If the person scoled me over a small problem, like this one time, my little brother forgot to switch off the fan and my grandmother (she's young, about 40+ish) she just started yelling. She went out if her way to scold all three(me, my bro, and my other bro). Once is fine. But she just kept yelling. Her yelling lasted for 2 days, it came to a point where we were scared to go eat. When we thought it was safe to go(as in, she calmed down), we decided.. to.. you know.. eat.. in the kitchen but she wasn't fine. And at that very moment I just stood up as she was yelling and walked towards the wall and banged my head. It hurts. But it made her stop. We didn't eat for a week due to fear
Just.. why am I like this. I know that hitting myself hurts. I know that banging my head on the wall hurts. But why do I still have the urge to do it still. I feel really insecure about telling other people this because the looks I get are.. not good to say the least. And a friend of mine also told me that I was just too sensitive.
I thought I was fine now since I haven't had this urge for a whole now. But it's back again. Just how do I stop this urge. I don't like pain, I don't want to get hurt
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