When the feelings stop..

The last few times it has always been a feeling of up and down...sometimes I felt really strongly about him and sometimes I felt frustration and anger...but today it suddenly felt different. I had the urge to talk to him and I did. I just randomly started a conversation with him..

But for the first time I ended the conversation first today. Not because I wanted to "seem interesting" but because I didn't wanted to talk to him anymore. I just felt nothing...not excited, not happy seeing him respond etc...

I think I just realized that he wasn't really any special from other people..it was me who made up all this scenarios and my imagination and effort I put into him that made it feel special for me..because he just gave me the bare minimum or nothing at all.

I always felt so desperate for his validation and attention that I hated myself for not doing better...but I should've NEVER put myself down nor question my value only for someone who doesn't even look at me.

He just used my attention for whenever he was bored because I would answer directly just seeing his name... God why did I made myself so vulnerable and naive for someone? it wasn't even worth it.

I think there will come days again where I'll see him and think the feelings will Come back, but I guess that's normal and I'll just have to deal with it.

People sometimes want what they can't have but it shouldn't make me question my own value.