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The one where the girl debates ghosting the potential incel
1 year ago · 0 · Need Advice, +2 · Explicit
260
So me 22F and a former 24M coworker have a very greeting card friendship. Very much “have a great day” “hope you’re day is amazing, you dope ass bitch” texts from him to this day. I haven’t seen him since early 2020 and even when we saw each other regularly at work for almost 2 years, it was still all surface level conversations…but at least then the exchanges could be categorized as conversation.
I had a bit of a crush on him which he reciprocated but said he couldn’t act upon because of crippling anxiety/depression that prevented him from socializing in person outside of work and home, he also has very low self esteem (any compliment he got was shrugged off and he’s pretty self-deprecating about sensitive features if you know what I mean). So I let the crush die because it had no future and because I’m big on growth, i would occasionally suggest therapy but he would always find an excuse for not trying to get help.
He was sweet and helpful at work and but dull, couldn’t carry a conversation and was unwilling to participate in anything that involved leaving his house (outside of work). But again through the 1.5 years I knew him at work from the edge of 19-21 he was sweet and I had a very girlish crush that took a while to fade, so i only saw that romanticized version of him in my head, worse, I thought I could change him into someone i could see a future with.
Eventually i fell out of that infatuation and really just saw him and how much he resisted changing and how little of our interactions were actually about anything at all. I also stopped seeing him at work after I quit in 2020 so our interactions were further limited to texts.
I kind of expected the semblance of a friendship to fade out at this point since we have nothing to really talk about and haven’t really spoken about anything in over two years early 2020-now.
He’d send his “have a dope day texts” and I would try to hold a conversation by going “thanks you too how are you ?” And the most I get is “same old same old” “you know the usual” or some variation of that, while i give life updates such as talking to him about moving out, shitty roommates etc and his response would always be “oh that sucks or I’m happy for you and I’m here if you need me.” All the while as my life got busy because of school/work/ my own shit, my desire to respond to his texts diminished and now its at a point of annoyance/ guilt for leaving them unanswered.
In this last semester of school I told him i was pretty busy and going through a rough patch where I would seldom even respond to my actual friends and so I went a full month and half without responding to one of these “hope you’re having a great day, I’m here if you need me” texts. But instead of them stopping, he kept it up until finally i got a text about how my lack of response was making him feel like a bother so he’d just stop and that he’s here if i need anything…
I felt bad at this point so I sent an overly explained message about my being busy and needing space and thanking him for his kind words over the years and ended that text with “I wish you the best.”
Maybe I was being too passive in thinking that he’d get that it was a goodbye text. But it didn’t seem to deter him from immediately responding with “ its all good, I wish you would’ve just said that, I’m here if you need and I’ll give you space.” Only to a couple days later be right back at it with the “Hey, have a dope day” texts even following with “ You don’t have to reply to this.”
It’s been a couple weeks now that I haven’t replied to his messages and this issue feels so trivial and ridiculous but i don’t want to hurt his feelings soo much that it almost feels easier to just disappear altogether. A couple of my friends are saying to just block him and be done with it because “regardless if he’s nice, you don’t owe anyone a response,”
but because of the mental health issues he has going on and how his lifestyle is (an involuntarily celibate type..without the women loathing but checks every other box) I am apprehensive to be that final straw.
Here’s what I’m working with as far as sending an honest without being hurtful text:
“Hi, so I think my previous message was a bit of a cop out. In all honesty its gonna continue to happen that I just fall off the face of the earth and that’s honestly worse to me than to just end something.
I feel like crap every time I see a text like “have a dope day” and know that the most I can put into that is “you too” or nothing at all.
Ur reassurance is sweet but I don’t like to be cruel or leave people in limbo so if I can’t put effort into something I’d prefer to let someone know vs ghost. Thank you for all your kind words/actions over the years and I hope only good things come your way.
Maybe I should just hit send but part of me is afraid of his reaction…i can only guess what years of constant graphic pornography and antisocial behavior can do to an outwardly nice guy.
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